Your Side of the Bed

As I look to my left...and look to my right. I see no one. It's empty. I always lay on the right side of my queen sized bed, gazing out the window and wishing you were here. So I can lay on your chest as you stroke my hair. We would sit up and talk about our days and how crazy work has been. You would hold me closer then kiss me, gently on my lips. You'll whisper "I love you" in my ear, then kiss my neck...again, and again, and again. I'm breathing deeply because of the intense hormones flowing through my body, and anxious about what's going to happen next. I'm squirming from the moisture on my breast coming from your tongue making its way down to my......"Bridge, BRIDGE....wake up guh. You ok?" 

Whew. That was intense. And as good as it sounds I had to remember that I am still single as a fresh dollar bill. I'm laying in my bed at this moment wishing that someone was here. I am lonely and dealing with my loneliness SUCKS( for lack of better words). It has been two years since I have been in a relationship. 2 years since I have been on a date. 8 months since I have given away my precious jewels (which is ok because I've decided to hold out until marriage). And I struggle each and every day with my "singleness". Is there a problem with me? Like is there something wrong? Why on earth haven't I found the one or why hasn't he found me? I know what you're going to say...Wait on God, be patient, your King will come, Blah blah blah. Enough of the cliches. I've heard them all before. I just want someone I can call my own. 

The tune I just sung above is a constant tune I sing every day. Instead of celebrating my singleness I am always looking at it to be a bad thing. I sometimes feel like I'm being punished or something. Yep. I am being punished, that's why I am single. I mean I'm perfect so I must place the blame somewhere for me being alone. There has to be something going on. Right?...Right. The person I failed to fully be transparent with is myself. Lord knows I want a relationship. But am I truly ready? Are you truly ready? I'm going to give you 5 reasons why I feel like I may not be ready to be in a relationship at this point. 

5. I'm not content with where I am in life. 

I try to live by Phillipians 4:11-13, but it gets hard at times. I should be content through every situation I'm in (whether good or bad) but I haven't gotten to that point yet. And if I'm not content with myself, how could I be with someone else? 

4. Singing***I'm so sick of being lonely***

Lol yep that's why I'm not ready. I almost want a relationship just so I won't have to sit at home at night watching The Notebook and on GroupMe or Instagram 24/7. I absolutely loathe being alone. And I feel lonely 110% of the time. But it's not because I don't have someone there; It's because I haven't learned to enjoy and appreciate my own company. So that's something I'm working on. I have to be ok with it being just Bridge. 

3. I haven't fully given my life and my all over to God. 

I know it sounds bad, but it's true. When I think about being fully committed to God and his word, I can't say that I fit that description. I mean, I want to be, but my relationship with God is no where close to where I want it and more importantly NEED it to be. I'm taking strides daily to get to that point. But right now, I'm just not there. 

2. Ugh, not another proposal. *rolls eyes* 

When I say EVERYONE on my TL is in a relationship, having babies, getting engaged/married, I mean JESUS! It's like a freaking phenomenon and clearly I missed that bus a long time ago. Everytime I see a new notification about someone getting engaged I slick start feeling just a tad bit envious. Like damn, "When is my time going to come?" I've found myself just wanting to be apart of the "relationship fad" just so I can say I am. Not because it's what I really want or am ready for. So Nope again, I ain't ready. 

1. I just know I'll get hurt again. 

So I had to really do some soul searching to come to this conclusion. I'm not over the hurt that I endured from my last relationships. I've been cheated on, lied to, disrespected, and caused to think so low of myself. I went into a deep depression after my last relationship, I am so afraid that someone will build me up just to break me down and I can never feel that low, EVER AGAIN. As much as I want to believe that I've forgiven them of every hurt they've caused, I haven't. And until I do, I won't be able to fully committ myself to another man. I won't be able to give him my all. Since part of me is still broken, I can't dare depend on him to try to put back together the pieces. It's not fair. It's just not right. That's where I continuously rely on God. Only he can fully heal my STILLwounded heart. 

So as you can tell. As much as I WANT a relationship, I'm not 100% ready for one. No, I can't wait to lay in my bed, turn to my right and gaze into my husbands eyes instead of gazing out my bedroom window. I can't wait until his side of the bed is nice and warm because he's laying there right next to me. Loving me how I want and need to be loved. But before that happens, I NEED to fully have myself together. So what about you? Look in the mirror. Allow yourself to become completely transparent. Ask yourself if you feel like you are really ready to committ yourself to another being. And please Be honest. Pray about it and ask God to comfort you in your time of singleness. Know that it's not a bad thing and it's not a disease. Someone once told me that Marriage is not Varsity and Singleness is not Junior Varsity. One is not better than the other. One is not bad and the other good. Remember that. Also, NEVER think low of yourself or lose self confidence because you're not in a relationship. You are beautiful, whether you're single or not. Find what makes you happy, the things you enjoy and go out and do it! CELEBRATE YOUR SINGLENESS!!! Your prince/princess will come. My Prince will come.  And as always, as I minister to you, I minister to myself. 

With Love,

Bridge💗

Scarred But Not Broken

"How can I forget the hurt you've caused me, when I still have the scars to remind me of the pain?"

  

I wish they were bruises, because bruises fade. They heal, and you never have to see them again and eventually you forget about them and how they even came about. But scars....Scars are with you forever. They live inside or outside of you and often makes you dwell on the pain and serves as a constant reminder of what you endured, how you endured it and how much pain you felt at that very moment.  

For a very long time I felt I wasn't worth having anyone to love me unconditionally and treat me right. After he left me, I felt empty. I gave him all of me, and because I did that I had absolutely nothing left. I had a heart that wanted to love again, but was afraid of the same ol' cycle happening. I couldn't dare allow myself to be hurt so much again so I ran. I ran from anything good so that I wouldn't have the chance to come up on something bad. I made horrible choices. Slept with men just for the satisfaction of saying that on that specific night, I didn't have to sleep alone. Knowing that I had no real feelings for these guys, I allowed myself to be used for a meaningless 2 minute screw that ended up doing nothing more than making me feel like crap after it was all said and done. Not knowing that I was still, in a sense, "picking at my scar" and making it all 10 times worse. 

For every man I gave my body to I lost a piece of my soul. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't out there laying down with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, I just have a few instances that I'm surely not proud of and I don't mind sharing my shortcomings with yall. Ok...now that my disclaimer is out of the way I can get back to the story lol.......I was losing a piece of Bridge every time I layed down with a guy. My self worth was in question. I acted like the most confident girl, but deep down inside, I couldn't stand the person I had to face in the mirror each day. I was never good enough for myself but for some reason I got mad because I felt I wasn't good enough for a man that probably didn't care much about me anyways. I felt I was scarred and broken and waiting on someone else to pick up the pieces. Not knowing or really not believing that God had already equipped me with everything I needed to restore the negative feelings I had inside.

I wouldn't be keeping it real if I didn't tell yall that till this day I still struggle. Constantly asking myself questions like, "Why her and not me?", "Why does she get the relationship, while you just wanted sex from me". "Why did you let me put so much into "this" just to leave me in the end." Anyone will tell you that I am OBSESSED with love and anything that has to do with it. Love movies, love stories, love songs, I just LOVE LOVE. And the fact that I don't have someone to call my own, troubles me at times. 

The more I search for answers, the more distraught I become. Always wondering when I will be next. When it will be my turn. Not even fully focusing on the fact that I'm not fully "healed". Thankfully, I'm now beginning to realize that if I still hold on to that pain that I will never be 100% happy in any relationship that may come my way.  If I don't have SELF LOVE then I won't be able to fully accept anyone who offers their love to me. I realized that I have to change the way I look at this. So I charge myself and anyone else looking at their "scars" as a reminder of pain to start thinking of it as a reminder of how far you've come despite all that you have endured. If you guys have been following me you know my life hasn't been filled with cupcakes and roses all around these last 2 years. I've had a plethora of stormy days that in turn led me to my rainbows. I've come a long way and I desperately want to experience love again. And I'm sure you do too, but before WE do, WE have to be ready. 

 

I thought I'd share a snippet of some words of wisdom a friend shared with me today. 

After he challenged me to read the book of Ruth and I asked him a million and one questions lol this was his response....

"Ruth was willing to sacrifice and was even willing to pick up the leftover of grains without complaining". What are we willing to sacrifice or do while aligned in God's perfect will? Allow yourself to be in God's perfect will and watch him reward you."

After reading the book ok Ruth and seeking understanding from a mentor I came to this.....Ruth was loyal to Naomi, but more importantly she was faithful to God and in the end he sent Boaz to her. A nice fine man that was rich. So with all that being said, focus on you and your personal relationship with God. Know that you have scars, but you are not broken. Let them build you, and not break you. Encourage you and not bring you down. You keep all this in mind and God will send your Boaz to you. He may not be fine and Rich, but he will be the person that God specifically sculpted and created just for you. :) Your King will come. Just make sure you're in a position to recieve your blessing and not miss a beat. And baby just believe that as I minister to you, I minister to myself. 

With Love, 

Bridge💋