The Voice Inside My Head

Have you ever felt like you were at the end of your rope. You just couldn't take anymore. You didn't want to talk to anyone, be around anyone, and even form your brain to think about anyone. All you could think about was the extreme feelings of sadness you felt about yourself and your life. You experienced something that brought you down soooo low that you never thought you would be able to come out of it. Two years ago that was me. With the death of my mother and the ending of my long term relationship; those thoughts ran through my mind every day and night. 

Heart racing. Shortness of breath. Tears beginning to well up in my eyes. Body feeling numb...every 3 to 4 hours the cycle happens all over again. I lay there trying to control myself, counting back and forth from 1-50... "1..2..3..4..5.......50...49..48..47..46", praying that I will soon fall back asleep. Crying my eyes out sometimes because I can't.  When I finally wake up in the morning, the feelings I have are no better. I don't want to move. I don't want to get up. This little voice in my head keeps telling me, "It's not worth it. You're just. Not. Worth. It." 

The moment when I realized that I believed that "little voice in my head", is when I knew something was wrong with me. It wasn't until one horrible day that I was forced to do something about it. The devil saw fit to ease his way in my thoughts and it went downhill from there. As I walked down Alcoa Road one Friday evening, I begin to have thoughts that I've never had before. I was tired. Tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of feeling alone. I start really thinking about the most painless way to end this all. Again, I. Was. Tired. My life was no longer important to me and I began to speak so much negativity over myself while devising a plan in my head. In the middle of all of that, I recieved a phone call from one of my sorority sisters. After ignoring the phone call 3 times I finally answered. 

"Hello"

"Hey Bridge. What's going on? Are you ok? I was just calling to check on you." 

"Yes, I'm fine"

"Bridge, you don't sound fine. Are you ok?" 

*hangs up phone* 

I turned my phone off and cried my heart out for 15 minutes. Thoughts still pounding at my soul. Called her back and told her, "No. No, I'm not ok." I ended up telling her everything that happened. All of the thoughts that were running through my head and how I felt inside. She told me to go to the doctor, but I refused. I worked at a psychiatric hospital and no one was about to call me crazy. I wasn't having it. But after all of her begging and pleading I made an appointment and went to see the therapist and psychiatrist the next day. 

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder as well as panic disorder. Prescribed Celexa and Xanax. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want them to think I was "Crazy" or that I had a problem. But I learned that people suffer from these disorders every day and they don't recieve help because of the same reasons I didn't want to. Afraid of what others would think. Like I said before, I worked at a mental health hospital so I experienced it every day, but I refused to be one of "them". 

I was skeptical about even writing this blog post because I didn't want people to judge me. But there are SO many people suffering from mental illnesses and they are slowly dying on the inside each day.  So if this reaches ONE person then I know I've done my job. 

Last but not least, If you're reading this and are suffering from what you think may be depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc, or knows someone who you believe may be, PLEASE GET HELP. If you don't know where to go I will help you find the resources you need and hold your hand until you get the help you deserve. I admit that I still battle my anxiety, but I have fully overcome my depression. Through God, my family, and my doctor. It was a year long journey but I overcame it and so WILL you. Don't allow that "voice in your head" to rule over your life and make you feel less than important. Less than worth it. Less than deserving. You are a Child of God and you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Believe that with all your heart. I sure do. 

This post was made with love overflowing from my heart to yours. God loves you. And I do too. 

~Bridge~

Facing My Reality (2012...The Year I Lost Myself pt. 2)

Am I dreaming? Ok Bridge, let's go back to sleep and wake up and try this all over again. Ummmm, Somebody just pinch me please because this can't be happening.  Did my worst nightmare just become my reality? Is it really over? 

Honestly, I couldn't believe it. After 4 years, it was finally over. Done. No more me and him. I felt my life was breaking down into tiny pieces right before my eyes. And I just knew there was no way I could put it back together. I felt so alone. I needed him. I couldn't live without him. I mean, I didn't want to live without him. I wasn't ready for this. Not prepared for this at all. 

What would my life be without him? No more dates, no more late conversations, no more saying "I love you and I miss you" almost every day. No more kisses, and being held at night, etc. It was really over and I had absolutely no idea how I was going to move forward. 

In April, my pastor preached a sermon about "Healing After Divorce" where he spoke about, in detail, the 5 Stages of Grief. The 5 stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages experienced when a person is enduring keen mental suffering or distress over a loss. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although I hadn't come out of a divorce I strongly related to his message. 

The first stage is Denial. Whew. My how I was in denial. My mind honestly would not let me believe that it was over. I was numb. Extremely numb. "Oh, he'll be back. He's just mad or whatever. He'll get over it." I told myself this for a very long time. It was my way of "dealing with it easier". Even though I was heavily in denial, part of me knew the truth. I knew deeeep down in my heart that it was over. And once I realized that, I stomped my way into the second stage of grief, Anger. 

I was honestly mad at him and at the world. Wait, I don't think mad can describe the way I felt. I HATED him. Everything about him and the situation, I absolutely loathed. I called him, texted him, left crazy messages just so he knew how much I hated him and how upset and hurt I was. But, everything remained the same. We still weren't together. He still had broken up with me. I was still....single. 

"Ok babe, if you come back to me I promise to do whatever you want me to. I just want to make it work. I'll stop calling so much, I promise to stop my nagging, I'll do WHATEVER it takes. Just take me back please. PLEASE." I begged and pleaded with him and God often. "God, I promise if you bring him back into my life I will do right by him. And right by you. Seriously, God, like I won't ask you for anything else. Just do this one thing for me." Hmph. Once you finally accept the situation and get over your "Angry" phase, you begin Bargaining. I will do "this" if you do "this". Bargaining only led to more heart ache and it made it more difficult to get over what was happening.   

He wasn't having it. We couldn't and wouldn't be back with each other and I finally realized it. All of my emotions were brought into the present time and I was forced to face my situation. And when I did, Depression snuck up on me. I couldn't eat, nor sleep. I always wanted to be left alone. I had absolutely no desire to do anything. As my reality was getting more and more clearer, my depression was only getting worse. I blamed myself for everything. "If only I were a better girlfriend..." This stage was the hardest stage to come out of. And I honestly stayed here for a year. BUT GOD...

It was a long time coming, but I finally reached the stage of Acceptance. Now this by no means, meant that I was "ok" with the situation. I seriously just got to the point where I accepted my reality. Me and him were not together and were not going to be. And I was perfectly fine with that. After I stop beating myself up over it and honestly forgave myself, I began to forgive him. Which is one of the most important acts in the "acceptance stage".  Now I know it may seem like it was a smooth journey throughout these 5 stages, but it was honestly the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life. I often found myself going back and forth between stages. I would go from bargaining to denial again in no time. I was at certain stages longer than others. My journey was filled with tears, many many tears. But Sooo many lessons. By the Grace of God, through my praying family and friends I got to the point of Acceptance. I could have never made it to this stage without Him. He delivered me from the lowest point of my life and I am so thankful for that. God showed me my true beauty and my worth. It took me almost 2 years to reach this point. And some things I still struggle with but One thing is know is that I'm just fine. 

My message to anyone going through a breakup right now to pray and trust God to deliver you from the pain and heartache. Don't blame yourself. In order for it to be your fault, that would mean that you were in control of your life and the situation in the beginning and we all know that's not true. God will remove people from your life and you may not ever understand why. You have to trust his will and know he wants what's best for you. Learn as many lessons as you can about yourself and what you want in life. Take this time out to embrace your singleness. Love yourself, love others, and trust God. He will always hold your hand throughout your storm. And what a beautiful sight to see when the rainbow finally comes. ☺️ 

....as I minister to you, I minister to myself. 

With Love, 

Bridge💋

"Perfectly Flawed"

"If they hadn't told me I was ugly I would have never searched for my beauty. And If they hadn't tried to break me down I wouldn't know I was unbreakable"-Gabourey Sidibe (Precious) 

It took me a very long time to realize my true beauty. I can remember being the center of jokes regarding my dark skin and large thighs when I was younger and it stuck with me for a very long time. I used to spend hours criticizing myself. "My butt is too big, my hips are too wide, I hate my nose, my hair is too nappy, my skin is too dark, and the list goes on. I didn't look like the girls from the magazines or a model on TV and I hated that. But one day I decided that my flaws are what makes me who I am. Despite what Queen Bey says, no one is FLAWLESS and I wouldn't be Bridge without my wide hips and pointy nose. My dark skin and my nappy hair. My imperfections are what makes me beautiful. Therefore I'm thankfully PERFECTLY FLAWED. So I asked a few other ladies what "Perfectly Flawed" meant to them. Below are their responses. 

"Well no one is perfect. However, we are perfectly unique... We all have flaws that make us who we are.... It's like the saying.. "Nobody's perfect.. But you're perfect for me.." We wouldn't be half the women, half the people we are if our flaws didn't exist.. So to me, perfectly flawed means that though I'm not textbook perfect, God makes no mistakes... So everything I am...& everything I'm not.. Was all divinely orchestrated by the one in whose Image I was created."-Brittany

"Being perfectly flawed shows that you embrace your short comings and use them for the better"-Pre

"Being perfectly flawed means that you know that you have flaws, you know that you have things to work on, but at the same time you have self love and appreciate who you are and you're willing to accept that you're not always going to be flawless. You're not always going to be accepted the way you want to be accepted. You're willing to work on it and you're perfectly fine with accepting who you are."- Delilah 

"Means fully acceptant of myself despite what others define as perfect."-Nae

"Perfectly Flawed to me means that no one is perfect and we all have characteristics about ourselves that we would want to change. Instead of changing it we just accept it and make it something positive in our lives rather than something negative and having it define who we are."-Ashley 

"It sounds like someone who has accepted that they can't be perfect and they have accepted themselves as they are. Whether thats a big nose, big forehead, and bad attitude."-LaLa 

"We all have some type of flaw about us to be honest....we are never flawless... When we recognize that we are perfectly flawed.... That's what it means to me."-Chels 

"I believe it means that no one is perfect...And to someone out there you are perfect for them with all your imperfections..."-Michelle 

"Perfectly flawed to me means being content and secure with every idiosyncrasy and every imperfect thing about ones self. It means being confident despite your self perceived flaws and knowing that we were all created and designed perfectly by God with a specific purpose in mind."-AJ

"To me perfectly flawed is the understanding that you know you have things you could fix or improve on about yourself. Yet you are ok with the way you are or committed to improving on the flaws it's always something we could work on within ourselves. But embracing your flaws beauty wise already makes you 10times more beautiful."-Vinny

"Perfectly flawed is being completely content with your imperfections! Your imperfections makes you the person you are today."-Jasmine 

"Perfectly flawed is like a saying... a saying meaning "I accept me for who I am, I love my self the way God has put me together" flaws and all I am perfect who I am cause thats the way God made me... its something that every women should feel because of the heavy affect that society and social media has on us, we feel obligated to look like the ideal woman that we see online and on TV."-Kav

"It means that your flaws, mistakes, good and the bad make you who you are. perfectly flawed is to admit that you are human but you are a constant work in progress..."-JaJa 

So as you can tell, although the answers were all different they definitely shared the same concept. No matter what flaws you may feel you have, know that you are BEAUTIFUL!!! FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made in His(Jesus) image. Don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. True beauty starts within. Always remember that and walk with your head held high. 

With Love, 

Bridge💋

****Comment and tell me what Perfectly Flawed" means to you.****

2012...The Year I Lost Myself

.....I held her right hand as my grandfather held her left. As family stood over her with broken hearts and fallen tears, my grandfather whispered to her, "It's ok Baby. You can rest now". A few more seconds passed and a few more breaths were taken and finally the moment had come. 5:37pm on September 23, 2012, God gained a new angel and from that moment on I knew my world would never be the same. 

   Sandra Blair-7/29/54-9/23/2012

It was a Sunday and I had to be back at work on the following Tuesday. There wasn't a single point on the train ride where I didn't shed a tear. I replayed the moment I saw her take her last breath in my head over and over again and my heart ached so bad. Once I made it back to Arkansas and got to my bed I went straight to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I didn't shed any tears. Matter of fact I didn't cry for almost a month except for the day of the funeral. 

I was extremely numb. My boyfriend at the time experienced the bulk of my pain. I grew to be clingy, angry, insensitive, needy, etc. I was a mess. Part of me still couldn't believe she was gone. Until one day....We were on the phone and I fussed at him about something minor and alllll the emotions I had built up inside came pouring out. I threw my phone and became absolutely hysterical in my tiny apartment. I yelled and screamed, punched walls, threw anything that I could find and finally when I was able to calm myself down (after about 10 mins) I fell to my knees, caught my breath, and I began to pray and cry. And cry and pray. 

I can't honestly say how long I stayed down there talking to God and asking him "Why me?" But as I began to talk to him more, I started to feel a sense of peace. I began to think about the good times with my Angel. Began to thank The Lord for bringing her "home" so that she wouldn't have to suffer anymore. For as long as I could remember she was always sick and always hurting and I hated that she would always be in so much pain. But The Lord needed her back with him. And he didn't want her suffering anymore and neither did I. Don't get me wrong, my heart still ached, but my mind was at peace. I found joy in the memories and I was finally able to get up from my knees, stand tall and trust that The Lord would see me through.

 And he did, I was so much happier. I went back to church, I was performing better at work, My relationship with my boyfriend was perfect, and even though I cried every night I felt I had overcome so much and from that moment on I felt so happy and wonderful about my life.....until I got a call from boyfriend 2 months after her passing, wanting to end our relationship of four years. My world that I thought I just fully picked up came crashing down. Once. Again....

...The Moment of Truth

It was about 4:00am in January of 2013. My mind was awake, but my eyes were closed. For hours, I layed in bed with my face flustered with tears running down both cheeks. My heart was racing, breaths were getting harder and harder to take from the intense anxiety I was feeling at that very moment. How did I get to this sad place? Why was this happening to me? Where the hell do I go from here? My heart was broken, my mind was broken, Bridge. She was broken. 

I didn't move a single inch that morning or afternoon. I layed around feeling sorry for myself (seemed to be my daily routine). Lights were off, TV was off, calls and texts were ignored. I cried, and cried, and cried some more until I finally drifted off to sleep.

When I decided to get out of bed, I went to the mirror and looked at myself. But instead of seeing a beautiful young lady like I saw once before, I saw a horrible and pathetic young girl. I absolutely HATED the image that was staring back at me. She was sad, angry, torn, broken down, 30lbs heavier and majorly depressed. She constantly blamed God for putting her through so much. Her conversations would most times go like this: 

..... "Lord, you knew I couldn't handle life without my mother, why would you take her from me? Then 2 months later you took my boyfriend from me. How could you make me endure so much pain all at once?".....

While shamefully staring at this image of myself in the mirror, I had the strangest thing happen to me. Something suddenly clicked in my head from a qoute I read a few days before about "being in control of your own happiness". I went back to my previous questions and began to answer them in my head. The most important one was "Where the hell do I go from here?" Spiritually, Physically, and Mentally.  At that very moment I decided to "Cross the Bridge to a Happier Life".