"A Letter to My Past"

Dear Past, 

Oh, I knew we would end up back here. At this very moment. Me, reminiscing about everything that has happened. You, reminding me of it all. There was a time where I used to look back at you with disgust. I'd say mean things about how horrible you were and how I hated what you put me through. There were times I felt so weak to the point where a simple feather could brush my face and knock my entire body down and the weight of the pain I was feeling would keep my plastered to the ground. Even though I think about you and weep from time to time, you have shaped me into the person I am today. So I want to thank you. I want to give you 5 reasons why I appreciate you, through the midst of it all. 

5. You've shown me how to "let go". 

From my many failed relationships and broken hearts, you've shown me the art of "letting go". You've disallowed me to attempt to keep someone that doesn't want to be kept. To love someone deeply that doesn't want to be loved. And to take care of someone that doesn't want to be taken care of. I'm not done learning this "art" but, because of you, I've come a mighty long way. Thank you. 

4.  You've shown me my true beauty. 

I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a short, dark skinned, small lipped, big hips, big ass, unattractive girl. And the only way I would think I was pretty was if some knuckled head boy began to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Then one day I realized that all my imperfections makes me who I am. I now love every curve on my body, every roll, every stretch mark...all that. I'm in love with the person I am. And I believe I'm beautiful. Thank you. 

3. You've taught me how to forgive. 

It took me 2 years to forgive my ex boyfriend for leaving me two months after my mother passed. I mean I hated him. Nothing anyone would say, could make me not want to exert excruciating pain all over his body. But, who was I hurting? He sure in hell had moved on and could care less about my said hatred towards him. Me on the other hand, I was filled with hate that was really just underlined with hurt. So in the end, I was causing more damage to myself. But when I forgave him. Like REALLY forgave him, I felt free. Like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulder. I was able to breathe again. Thank you. 

2. You've shown me my true strength. 

A swear a person never knows how strong they are until being strong is the only option. I can talk about this subject all day. I lost my mother and boyfriend in 2012. In 2014 alone my car got repossessed 3 times and I was close to being evicted from my apartment. I struggled with depression and anxiety and I was close to throwing my hands up and saying forget all of this. I'd hit rock bottom and I felt myself sinking further down. BUT GOD. He showed me so much favor at those times. I had no choice but to pull myself up from the ground and rebuild my strength. It took a lot of work. But it was all worth it. For that, I say "Thank You". 

1. You've taught me how to LIVE and not just EXIST. 

I never walked with a purpose. I was merely on this earth just to past time until it was time for me to leave. I wasn't LIVING. But now...I'm not afraid to take chances. I'm not afraid to do things I've never done before or that are just out of the ordinary. I don't let my fears hold me back from potential greatness. I mean I did just fly on an airplane for the first time last month!!! (Talk about growth lol). I want to travel, see the world, meet new friends, fall in love, have a family, all that good stuff. But I can't if I hold myself back. You've taught me how to LIVE and how to do it to the fullest. Thank you! 

See most times we don't appreciate what our past has done for us. Without it, without you...I wouldn't be the person I am today. Now don't get me wrong, these scars I have are not pretty at all. They still kinda trouble me at times because it's a constant reminder of pain. But it's also a constant reminder of progress. I'm nowhere near where I was before. And it's because of you. So again I thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I'm sure you'll be receiving another letter from me soon, because I know you're not done with me. With tearing me down, to build me up. With your life lessons and all that good stuff. But until then, I'll wait, I'll learn, and I'll keep in mind all that you've taught me. Until next time. 

With love, 

B 

Mirror

When I look into the mirror

What do I see

A beautiful young black woman

Staring back at me. 

Her smile hides her tears

Her eyes hides her heart

And there's so much going on inside of her

That should have torn her world apart

But although she weeps at night

And laughs throughout the day

She is content and happy with life

And has been blessed along the way

She's definitely no size four

With hips as wide as as the sea

She has her flaws and wears them well

She is perfectly imperfect. She's me. 

So again I look into the mirror 

Reminded of who I see. 

A beautifully imperfect, flawed, black young woman

Staring back at me. 

If

If I could see your face again 

I'd never look away 

If I could hear your voice again 

I'd listen to every word you say 

If I could have just one more minute 

I'd make it last a while

And if I could just sit and feel your touch

I'm sure it'll make me smile. 

If I could have just one more chance 

To show you that I care

I'd scream it from the mountaintop

And pray that you'll be there 

If I could hold your hand again

I would hold on to it tight

I would never let it go 

And I'd keep you close to me each night 

If my dreams could last a lifetime

I would stay asleep for long 

I'd replay our foundest memories 

And relive our favorite song

Even though it seems I'm speaking 

As if you are not here 

Right now I know you're absent from the flesh

But in my heart I know you're near

Sometimes I wish I told you more 

Just how I really feel

Because now it seems it's taking longer

For my dear heart to heal

Just know that I can't express enough 

How much you mean to me

Not just today, but everyday

I just wish that you could see. 

But, again to my Queen I love you 

In every single way

And from this here Earth unto the heavens 

I wish you a Happy Mothers Day.

Sandra Blair

July 29, 1954-September 23, 2012

Over

Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it. 

I bet your wounds are still fresh from my nails digging into your skin, pulling you and begging you to stay. 

Bargaining and pleading and confessing my love for you with words I've never even known existed. 

I bet your shirt is still damp from the river of tears I cried when you first said, "It's over."  

 

Streaming as wide as the ocean. As calm as the sea but as disturbed and as massive as a hurricane destroying a town like you destroyed my heart. 

I bet your legs are still tired from constantly running away from me. 

As I chased after you in hopes that you would love me again like I loved you despite of what you said. I realized that you were gone farrrr before you left. And I still didn't want to let you go. 

But I did. 

Your wounds healed. 

Your shirt dried. 

Your legs are well rested. 

And we can finally say it's over. 

My One & Only

Day 4: Choose God

When has God not been good enough? Why am I blogging about "Choosing God" as if there's another valuable option? 

This is probably the most important day of my series. I'm blogging about what I'm doing to impact my life and "Choosing God" is definitely #1 on my list. I've been going through a lot where I've not been faithful to God and his word. Instead of allowing God to order my steps, I've been trying to lead my own life and direct my own path. And guess what?....I've been falling flat on my face for that every reason. 

In a previous blog I discussed my relationship with God. I soon realized what I was doing wrong.  I don't pray like I should. I don't read my bible like I should. My relationship with God is present only because he promised to never leave me. But I've honestly been treating him like an "option" or like he is "2nd place". Not purposely, but I admit that it's been happening. I mean, how can I expect God to hear me when I won't allow my heart to speak to him.

God provides me with everything I need. Even when I feel I'm at my wits end, he shows up and shows out for me. I swear I'm so underserving, but he keeps on blessing me. So despite anything I may go through I promise to "Choose God". He is and will forever be the only way. 

Love,

B 

Sushi: My New Found Love

Day 3: Adventure 

So the weather was totally not in love with me today so I wasn't really able to do what I wanted to in regards to Day3 of R.E.A.C.H. But nevertheless, my main goal for today was to do something I've never done before. Something totally out of my element. So guess what I did?........I ate Sushi. (My, My, My) 

Now any time I've heard the word Sushi I cringed. And that's because I always thought about raw, uncooked fish. (I know I'm a little oblivious to what it really is lol) I love me some seafood, but the thought of my fish not being cooked, just never really sounded that appeasing to me. But baby look...My boss and coworker went to lunch and brought me back Sushi and I fell in love. I placed that California Roll in my mouth and I swear my tongue had an organism. I totally underestimated how good it could be. I absolutely fell in love. 

Now as little and minute as that may sound, I was kinda proud of myself. I'm not really an outgoing person when it comes to trying new things. I get so comfortable in my normal routine and it felt great to kind of step out of my element. Ya know, to do something different. 

So my advice to you is to try something different. Dedicate a time once a month or once a week to step out of your comfort zone and do something you've never done before. It's one of my new techniques I'm using to just enjoy life. 

I plan to go ice skating and to go jumping at the trampoline house! What's your plans? 

So talk to me! When's the last time you've done something for the first time? Comment your answers below. :) 

P.S.-Want to try some great Sushi in Arlington? Go to Suzushii Sushi Restaurant on Hwy 287 North. 

Love, 

B. 

The 5'0 Dreamer

Day 2: Envision 

So something I have been absolutely procrastinating about doing is making a vision board. I have seen it on Pinterest, heard people talk about it, and my friends have done it. I knew that it would be something that I could benefit from,but again it took me so long to get started. So guess what I did today? Made me a vision board. :) This post is about visions, dreaming, striving towards your goals with the help of a vision board.  I'm going to cover the 3 most important reasons why I feel it's important to have a vision board. Let's go.

3. They are so much fun to do. 

Who didn't love arts and crafts in elementary school? I sure did. I enjoyed spending time looking through magazines and scoping out words that popped out to me and pictures that expressed my emotions. I saw a gorgeous wedding dress, saw ways I want to relieve stress, and a nice big salad to motivate me and my healthy lifestyle. I loved it. It was kind of liberating for me. I felt like I was doing something amazing for myself and I absolutely enjoyed it.

2. Create your own future. 

Making a vision board allows me to create my own future. It sort of makes me feel like I am in control of my own destiny. I know that in the end, God has the final say, but that doesn't mean that I sit around and remain idle, knowing that I have goals I want to reach. Ya know, places I want to go. So in my future I see a 50lbs lighter, Mental Health Therapist, married with children, with this fly style and popular blog. All of those things are expressed on my vision board. Time to get to it!

1. See it. Believe it. Achieve it. 

This one sort of ties in with #2. We as people are extremely visual. Our minds respond strongly to visual stimulation. It is very helpful to be able to look at your goals, dreams, and ideal life each day and want to work hard towards achieving it all.  It gives you a sense of hope and confidence. Makes me feel so ready to take on the world. I want to be good, no GREAT at what I do. Just all around great at life and have the most fulfilled one ever. I believe something so simple as a vision board could do that for me, and you!

So what do you need?

• Old magazines
• Poster board (some people use cardboard or a cork board)
• Scissors 
• Glue stick 
• Tape 
• Markers 
• Anything else you would like to make it absolutely unique to you 

Ok so I want to hear from you. Tell me 3 goals you hope to accomplish by the end of 2015? How do you keep up with your goals and how do you feel once you reach them? 

Stay tuned tomorrow for Day 3 of R.E.A.C.H.- Adventure. I'm going to do something I've never done before and I can't wait to share. See ya soon! :)

Love, 

B

My Morning Mimosas

Day 1: Rest. Relax. Just Breathe. 

So I woke up Saturday morning and decided that I was going to take a few hours to myself and relax. Do something nice for myself, ya know. I'm always doing so much for other people and I never really get a chance to focus on Bridge.  But not on that day. I was DETERMINED to chill THEE HELL OUT. So...I cooked. Made myself the best French toast on the South Side of Arlington, TX and found a nice drink recipe for mimosas. (Oh how I love Mimosas!!) I also bought myself flowers. Who does that right? I've never had anyone buy me flowers in my life, but I decided that I would buy my own and watch them bloom. 

I sat at the table, ate my French toast and strawberries, drank my peach mimosas, and admired my beautiful lilies, all while listening to some Old school R&B. Pretty sure I had "My Heart Belongs to You," by Jodeci on repeat. Lol

As simple as all of this sounds; I experienced the most relaxing hour of my life that I've had in a VERY long time and all I could do was smile after it was all said and done. And the crazy thing is that it was all extremely therapeutic for me. I realized that it's absolutely necessary to take a second out for yourself. Away from distractions and people. We sometimes get so wrapped up in work, friends and their problems, families and their issues, and everything else that's thrown at us, that we just say, "Forget our own sanity". 

My main message to you all is to take time out for self. Find something that you like to do and just do it. Commit yourself to enjoying that time atleast one hour a week (which may not be enough). Turn off your cell phone and the tv. Eliminate any and all distractions. Focus on YOU. I promise that you will feel a 10000000 times better. Less anxiety and stress. More importantly baby, just RELAX. 

So right now, I proclaim that my Saturday mornings will be filled with breakfast, mimosas (lots of mimosas :) ) and music. 

So talk me guys! What do you plan on doing to relax each week? Or tell me what you're already doing. 

Also, be sure to check back with me tomorrow for Day 2 (Envision) of my series, "R.E.A.C.H."  

With Love, 

B

12:54am

These hours were made for me. My mind just flows to a place away from the reality of the world and I begin to dream with my eyes wide open.

All I can think about is your big, husky arms around me. 

We slowly take a trip to the bed, you gently lay me down, and place your warm lips against mine. 

You're whispering in my ear all the things you want to do to me. It's beautiful. 

It's not just an act for you. 

You want to give me an experience.

You want nothing more than to explore my body, making sure that every single inch is touched and pleased to perfection.

You place my pleasure above your own needs and when I moan, and scream, and scratch, and pull, you soon realize that you're giving me everything I've wanted, and needed, and baby so much more.  

You're not about showing me what I've been missing, you'd rather show me what I deserve.

You breathe deeply, stroke me slowly and you effortlessly present to me what true love making is all about. 

It's not about the fast pumps and dirty talks. 

But it's more about the "Pull me Closer," and the slow grinds.

In between every stroke you whisper "I love you, baby" in my ear and I feel it through your heart.

The penetration is good, but our connection is so much better. 

Our hearts are in control of the entire process and that alone is enough to take me there. 

We are determined to continue until we both climax. 

And as the strokes become more rapid and the moans become more vocal, I scream, and we both release. 

We lay there. 

The adrenaline is rushing through our bodies still as we are amazed at the experience we both just encountered. We are taken away from the magnitude of emotions that are flowing through our spirits. 

We lay there silent. 

We don't say a word. But we know that at that moment we got to experience just a small taste of perfection. 

Not because we both were perfect, but because we were perfect for each other.

At that moment, he didn't care about my flaws and I didn't care about his.

He looked at me as if he'd seen an angel sent straight from heaven, right down to be beside him. 

I looked at him like I've seen a Greek God, handsome, strong, and able to do no wrong. 

True love prevailed and I never wanted to let that moment go......

But then I wake up. Eyes still open, bed still empty, and life still missing true love. But until it comes, I'm ok with dreaming. And with that being said, I don't mind returning back tomorrow at 12:54am.
~B~ 

Waiting to Exhale

"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." 

More than anything I'm ready to exhale. Ready to release all that I have built up inside of me. I'm ready to breathe again. One of the hardest things in life to deal with is learning how to fully forgive someone that has wronged you. How do you forgive the guy that cheated on you, the girl that lied to you, the father that left you, the mother that abandoned you? How do you truly let go? 

Can I be completely honest for a second?....I woke up a few mornings ago and realized that I wasn't over the hurt and pain that I endured during my last relationship. I was cheated on, lied to, made to feel less than worthy, etc. Almost every negative emotion you can endure, I went through with him. That has been TWO YEARS AGO! TWO. And you mean to tell me I'm still battling this? Why does it still bother me? *sigh* Because I have not fully forgiven him for what he has done. Better late than never for me to come to this realization, Right? 

So in this post, I will explore what I personally feel the 3 hardest reasons why forgiving someone is so freaking hard to me in general and specifically with (him). 

3. "I forgive you, but man I can't believe you did that...."

When a person has wronged me I forgive them but let me tell you...I do NOT forget. I sometimes bring it up every chance I get just so they can fully understand how wrong I believe they were and how much they have hurt me.  But is that fair? Why would I say it's over and that I forgive them, when all I'm going to do is constantly bring it up, causing more issues in the long run. I don't know how many times I've tried to convince myself that I'm "over it", just to get mad every time I hear his name. I'm not saying to "Forgive and Forget". I'm saying "Forgive and LET GO". Move past it. Don't stay stuck in that same position forever or you will be stuck in a world of unhappiness. (Trust me, I know. I've been single for two years because of it) 

2. "I just know you'll do it again"....

Once a liar always a liar, right? Once a cheater always a cheater, right? Honestly, sometimes, yes. But do we treat everyone and every situation the same? 

It's already so hard for me to fully forgive and let go...then you tell me I need to TRUST you again too? Please. How am I suppose to do that? Learning to trust again is definitely the hardest act for me. That's why I review actions more than anything. If a person keeps showing me that they will continuously hurt and lie to me, I have to let them go. But if I see true, genuine effort to rebuild our relationship and trust, I will stand by their side every step of the way. It will hurt and take some work, but I will be there for the ride. That's what unconditional love is all about. 

1. "Was it me? What did I do wrong?" 

This may seem silly, but for me, forgiving sometimes has a lot to do with what I feel my role was in the situation. For a while I blamed myself for the lies, the cheating, etc. Now don't get me wrong, I definitely wasn't perfect, but that doesn't mean I deserved any of that.  I go through this cycle where I blame myself then I turn around and say, "Nah F*** that, it was him"...he should be the one to blame. I go through this constant battle in my head all the time. Not realizing how detrimental it is to my healing process. I can't blame myself for other people's wrong doings. I can only realize my role and forgive myself for only MY actions. And even if they don't apologize, I still should forgive. Not for them...but for me. 

So there you have it. 3 reasons why forgiving someone is so hard for me to do. Writing this post is helping me sort out my emotions and preparing me to battle my issues head on. If you are dealing with issues of unforgivieness I challenge you to really take a look into yourself and the situations and figure out how to get through it and the reasons that it's held you back for so long. Remember how good it will feel to finally breathe without that excess weight on your shoulders. To finally exhale all that pain and hurt you feel and to be FREE! Free of the burden that unforgivieness causes. I can't wait to exhale. What about you?  

As always, remember, "As I minister to you, I minister to myself." 

 

With Love, 

B

*Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)* 

Harder to Breathe

The constant flow of tears that left my eyes Sunday morning was unexpected but more importantly, it was needed. For a while I've been feeling suffocated by my worries, smothered by my thoughts, and asphyxiated by my problems. They have taken over my life. I completely lost control.  Or failed to realize who was in it. See I've never been afraid to admit to my short comings or even the negative things that are going on in my life. But I've held so much in that I feel like I haven't been able to breathe. Ya know, like I've been "waiting to exhale." Waiting to just relax and let go of fear and worry instead of living by it each day.

I feel like I'm in constant battle with the devil and im not prepared for war. Like I know that "this battle is not mine, it's the Lords", but I often find myself asking if God can hear me. Even when I don't pray, does my constant flow of tears reach him? I mean it's tough feeling alone.

During church service, one of the ministries danced to "Take Me to the King", by Tamela Mann and it was the first time I actually listened to the song. Let me tell you that the story of my life was in the words of the song. I felt tired and like there was nothing that I could do about it. I felt weak with entirely no strength to fight and I continued to question whether or not God could hear my cry. 

I soon realized why I felt this way. I don't pray like I should. I don't read my bible like I should. My relationship with God is present only because he promised to never leave me. But I've honestly been treating him like an "option" or like he is "2nd place". Not purposely, but I admit that it's been happening. I mean, how can I expect God to hear me when I won't allow my heart to speak to him. I try to live life alone. Barely even asking family for help. And when things are going good in my life, I don't thank God like I should. I go to him mostly when I'm at my wits end and things have gone terribly wrong. Just think if I actually let him order my steps all along. This pain and misery is sometimes something I bring on myself by just not believing or trusting in God and his word. Faith is what you call it. I haven't been exercising my faith. 

So now what?......Do I just talk about all the wrong I've done with no intention to change? Do I keep placing myself in these same situations and wish for a different outcome? Or do I take action and change my life to be one that's of God? I feel personally that change is necessary. And I have to be the one to do it. I can't rely on my family, my pastor, or anyone else that has been praying for me. Lord I need you and I want you to walk with me and guide my steps. So I end this message with one of the most powerful prayers that I personally connect to. A Prayer from David; 

"Hear me, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me. (Psalm 86:1-7 NIV).......Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. (Psalm 86:11-12 NIV)

"As I minister to you. I minister to myself." Now it's time to Exhale. -Bridge

Just Call Me Bridge :)

So I know I'm not famous(yet) and only a handful of you truly know me, but I thought I would give my followers a chance to ask me absolutely anything they wanted to. I was surprised by some of the questions but I had a pleasure in answering them all. Please feel free to ask more or follow up on any of the answers that I've already given. Here is goes! 

What sparks your creative juices? 

Man...pretty much anything. I have so much inside of me to say, but they only seems to come out at certain points. Those times are mostly in the middle of the night. I have a dream or can't go back to sleep so I write. I'm an emotional person so a lot of times when I write, it's because whatever im going through at the moment or have gone through, deserves to be shared. So I do just that. 

Is it true that you haven't been on an elevator since 2009? 

Nope it isn't true! My friend was in the hospital this year and I had no choice but to get on the elevator to visit him. But before then. Yep! I am extremely claustrophobic and elevators gives me anxiety. I got stuck on one in college after just "getting over my fear" so that put me right back to where I was. 

Now that you're losing weight, do guys try to approach you more than they did before you started losing it? These are guys that knew you before the weight loss? 

Hmmmm. Good question. Guys that knew me before the weight loss have not tried to pursue me now that I've lost weight. I wish I could be on some, "Mike Jones, Back then they didn't want me type stuff" but that isn't the case. Lol. I will say that I have been approached more by random guys now that I'm a few pounds lighter than when I was heavier. But obviously that could mean absolutely nothing because I'm still single as a dollar bill. Lol 

What food won't you eat? 

I am such a picky eater so there is a lot of food I won't eat. But I will have to say sushi. The idea of raw cold fish just sickens me. Why would they do that to us? *sigh* 

Do you ever feel like there are exceptions to this qoute? 

This is tough. We are ALWAYS growing. I feel even when we THINK we have reached our full potential, we could be better. So me falling in love with a man who is working hard but not in his career of choice yet, has a car but it's not the nicest, or makes money but not as much as he would like, that wouldn't be so much of an issue for me. If im seeing his drive, ambition, and his determination, I know that he will make it to where he wants and needs to be soon and very soon. Now HOWEVER, if you're dealing with a man that doesn't work, doesn't pay bills, won't even try to be a responsible adult, I say hell no. He may make it to where he wants to be but, I wouldn't be able to hang around for the ride. Everyone has potential. But you have to show me you're trying to reach your highest. Show me your heart. That's what I'd rather fall in love with anyway. See that doesn't change. 

If you had the power to remove one issue that affects the growth of the world for the betterment what would that issue be? What was your reasoning for selecting your issue?

Whew. That's tough. It's so much wrong in the world we live in. So where do I start...Hmmm I would have to say that I would remove the ability for the human race to see and notice racial and social differencences amongst one another. It may sound crazy but even in our differences, if we could see each other the same as the next, then we would treat each other accordingly. No decisions would be based on race or social status. We would all be equal in the way we are treated. 

So this celebacy thing, how's it working out for you? How long has it been? 

Ok so it's been 9 months. Well, let's just say it's hard. But rewarding. There are so many emotions tied to sex when it comes to me. I'd rather save it for my husband instead of allowing it to be a barrier and take over the relationship. Or to just give it to anyone who is of course nondeserving. Choosing to be celibate has been one of the best decisions I've made and I believe God will reward me for that. 

If you could see your mother just one more time, what would you do? Say? 

I would hug and kiss her and not let her go. I would tell her all about the last 2 years of my life and ask her for her advice. She was my Olivia Pope. She "fixed" all of my problems and helped me with EVERYTHING.  So I would ask her for her wisdom so I could really take care of myself and handle my problems the best way. I wouldn't want to let her go. I would want to talk all night until I couldn't talk anymore or until she shut me up. Lol oh how I miss that feisty lady. Smooches Ma! Rest in Love. 

Welp those are the bulk of my questions! Please comment below and again, feel free to ask any of your own. 

Bridge:) 

The Prediction by K'La

So here it is, flat out and simple…which do you trust your heart or your head? See your heart will lead you where you want to be, but your head will lead you where you ought to be. But which will lead you where you’re meant to be? See I followed my heart and it led me where I am, but my head is continuously telling me that I’m not where I should be by reminding me of the pain I go through just being where I am.

But I ask myself, what if this is meant? Although it’s hard, although it hurts, although it feels at times that it may not be fair, what if this is truly meant? What if I wait this out, stick with it through all the pain and hard work and it all pays off? What if I can change his life and in return he changes mine?

But then again, what if I wait this out, stick with it through all the pain and hard work and it falls to pieces? Should I care more about me, or about him? Who should I love more? Am I willing to hurt him now and save myself later, or put myself on the line and save him?

In the end I guess it all comes down to what kind of person you are. Am I a thinker, or am I a feeler? Do I plan ahead or do I follow my whims? Do I use logic or do I use compassion? Do I give condemnations or chances, or even more. Which does he make me want to be?-K'La

Let me tell you....there is no tougher battle than when you fight with your heart versus your head. In college I kept this poem into rotation because, in my relationship, I never knew which way to go. So talk to me people...Which one do you trust? Your heart or your head, and why? 

*Please make sure you follow her and check out "The Prediction" from her mixtape, The Coldest Winter Ever* 

Twitter.com/klathelyricist

YouTube.com/klahthelyricst 

Klathelyricst.com 

Dear Black Boy

Dear Black Boy, 

I love you. I appreciate you. And there is no limit to how much I will advocate for you. Although I know how it feels to be a black woman in this world, I have absolutely no idea how it feels to be a black man. To always be looked at as the perp, the criminal, the bad guy. The one who is never enough once standing by the side of a white man. To fear for my life as I leave the house, walk down the street, walk to the store. I'll never know the pain you endure and the heart ache you must feel right now. The confusion. The anger.  But can I ask just one thing of you?....

Let's be better than {them}. Let's show {them} that they only need to fear you because you've excelled in education and your career and {they} realize there's no limit to the impact you will have on this world. Not because you walk the streets, smoke your weed, and pose as the "thug" they want you to be. Let's show {them} that you are worth more. Don't just show {them} though. Believe it. Pull up your pants, put on a suit. Walk around like you have a point to prove. Because whether you like it or not, you do. You always have to stand out, be smarter, 10 times better, strive for so much more. Work 10 times harder. Once you feel like you've "made it", don't stop there. Mentor other black boys so they can see that they can be anything they want to be with hard work and prayer. So they can understand that education is important and there is so much more to this world that we live in. Show them how important it is the pick up a book and read and to always remain knowledgeable about the world around us.  Nothing will change unless we do. You have the ability to make a huge difference in this world and the community you live in. I see so much strength in you. So much promise.  Even in the midst of adversity, you continue to prevail. 

Again, Black Boy, I love you and more importantly, I value you and your life. Once you see the value within yourself, I'm  sure change will come. 

"We must be the change we wish to see in the world"-Mahatma Gandhi 

With Love, 

Bridge-A Young Black Woman. 

Your Side of the Bed

As I look to my left...and look to my right. I see no one. It's empty. I always lay on the right side of my queen sized bed, gazing out the window and wishing you were here. So I can lay on your chest as you stroke my hair. We would sit up and talk about our days and how crazy work has been. You would hold me closer then kiss me, gently on my lips. You'll whisper "I love you" in my ear, then kiss my neck...again, and again, and again. I'm breathing deeply because of the intense hormones flowing through my body, and anxious about what's going to happen next. I'm squirming from the moisture on my breast coming from your tongue making its way down to my......"Bridge, BRIDGE....wake up guh. You ok?" 

Whew. That was intense. And as good as it sounds I had to remember that I am still single as a fresh dollar bill. I'm laying in my bed at this moment wishing that someone was here. I am lonely and dealing with my loneliness SUCKS( for lack of better words). It has been two years since I have been in a relationship. 2 years since I have been on a date. 8 months since I have given away my precious jewels (which is ok because I've decided to hold out until marriage). And I struggle each and every day with my "singleness". Is there a problem with me? Like is there something wrong? Why on earth haven't I found the one or why hasn't he found me? I know what you're going to say...Wait on God, be patient, your King will come, Blah blah blah. Enough of the cliches. I've heard them all before. I just want someone I can call my own. 

The tune I just sung above is a constant tune I sing every day. Instead of celebrating my singleness I am always looking at it to be a bad thing. I sometimes feel like I'm being punished or something. Yep. I am being punished, that's why I am single. I mean I'm perfect so I must place the blame somewhere for me being alone. There has to be something going on. Right?...Right. The person I failed to fully be transparent with is myself. Lord knows I want a relationship. But am I truly ready? Are you truly ready? I'm going to give you 5 reasons why I feel like I may not be ready to be in a relationship at this point. 

5. I'm not content with where I am in life. 

I try to live by Phillipians 4:11-13, but it gets hard at times. I should be content through every situation I'm in (whether good or bad) but I haven't gotten to that point yet. And if I'm not content with myself, how could I be with someone else? 

4. Singing***I'm so sick of being lonely***

Lol yep that's why I'm not ready. I almost want a relationship just so I won't have to sit at home at night watching The Notebook and on GroupMe or Instagram 24/7. I absolutely loathe being alone. And I feel lonely 110% of the time. But it's not because I don't have someone there; It's because I haven't learned to enjoy and appreciate my own company. So that's something I'm working on. I have to be ok with it being just Bridge. 

3. I haven't fully given my life and my all over to God. 

I know it sounds bad, but it's true. When I think about being fully committed to God and his word, I can't say that I fit that description. I mean, I want to be, but my relationship with God is no where close to where I want it and more importantly NEED it to be. I'm taking strides daily to get to that point. But right now, I'm just not there. 

2. Ugh, not another proposal. *rolls eyes* 

When I say EVERYONE on my TL is in a relationship, having babies, getting engaged/married, I mean JESUS! It's like a freaking phenomenon and clearly I missed that bus a long time ago. Everytime I see a new notification about someone getting engaged I slick start feeling just a tad bit envious. Like damn, "When is my time going to come?" I've found myself just wanting to be apart of the "relationship fad" just so I can say I am. Not because it's what I really want or am ready for. So Nope again, I ain't ready. 

1. I just know I'll get hurt again. 

So I had to really do some soul searching to come to this conclusion. I'm not over the hurt that I endured from my last relationships. I've been cheated on, lied to, disrespected, and caused to think so low of myself. I went into a deep depression after my last relationship, I am so afraid that someone will build me up just to break me down and I can never feel that low, EVER AGAIN. As much as I want to believe that I've forgiven them of every hurt they've caused, I haven't. And until I do, I won't be able to fully committ myself to another man. I won't be able to give him my all. Since part of me is still broken, I can't dare depend on him to try to put back together the pieces. It's not fair. It's just not right. That's where I continuously rely on God. Only he can fully heal my STILLwounded heart. 

So as you can tell. As much as I WANT a relationship, I'm not 100% ready for one. No, I can't wait to lay in my bed, turn to my right and gaze into my husbands eyes instead of gazing out my bedroom window. I can't wait until his side of the bed is nice and warm because he's laying there right next to me. Loving me how I want and need to be loved. But before that happens, I NEED to fully have myself together. So what about you? Look in the mirror. Allow yourself to become completely transparent. Ask yourself if you feel like you are really ready to committ yourself to another being. And please Be honest. Pray about it and ask God to comfort you in your time of singleness. Know that it's not a bad thing and it's not a disease. Someone once told me that Marriage is not Varsity and Singleness is not Junior Varsity. One is not better than the other. One is not bad and the other good. Remember that. Also, NEVER think low of yourself or lose self confidence because you're not in a relationship. You are beautiful, whether you're single or not. Find what makes you happy, the things you enjoy and go out and do it! CELEBRATE YOUR SINGLENESS!!! Your prince/princess will come. My Prince will come.  And as always, as I minister to you, I minister to myself. 

With Love,

Bridge💗

Scarred But Not Broken

"How can I forget the hurt you've caused me, when I still have the scars to remind me of the pain?"

  

I wish they were bruises, because bruises fade. They heal, and you never have to see them again and eventually you forget about them and how they even came about. But scars....Scars are with you forever. They live inside or outside of you and often makes you dwell on the pain and serves as a constant reminder of what you endured, how you endured it and how much pain you felt at that very moment.  

For a very long time I felt I wasn't worth having anyone to love me unconditionally and treat me right. After he left me, I felt empty. I gave him all of me, and because I did that I had absolutely nothing left. I had a heart that wanted to love again, but was afraid of the same ol' cycle happening. I couldn't dare allow myself to be hurt so much again so I ran. I ran from anything good so that I wouldn't have the chance to come up on something bad. I made horrible choices. Slept with men just for the satisfaction of saying that on that specific night, I didn't have to sleep alone. Knowing that I had no real feelings for these guys, I allowed myself to be used for a meaningless 2 minute screw that ended up doing nothing more than making me feel like crap after it was all said and done. Not knowing that I was still, in a sense, "picking at my scar" and making it all 10 times worse. 

For every man I gave my body to I lost a piece of my soul. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't out there laying down with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, I just have a few instances that I'm surely not proud of and I don't mind sharing my shortcomings with yall. Ok...now that my disclaimer is out of the way I can get back to the story lol.......I was losing a piece of Bridge every time I layed down with a guy. My self worth was in question. I acted like the most confident girl, but deep down inside, I couldn't stand the person I had to face in the mirror each day. I was never good enough for myself but for some reason I got mad because I felt I wasn't good enough for a man that probably didn't care much about me anyways. I felt I was scarred and broken and waiting on someone else to pick up the pieces. Not knowing or really not believing that God had already equipped me with everything I needed to restore the negative feelings I had inside.

I wouldn't be keeping it real if I didn't tell yall that till this day I still struggle. Constantly asking myself questions like, "Why her and not me?", "Why does she get the relationship, while you just wanted sex from me". "Why did you let me put so much into "this" just to leave me in the end." Anyone will tell you that I am OBSESSED with love and anything that has to do with it. Love movies, love stories, love songs, I just LOVE LOVE. And the fact that I don't have someone to call my own, troubles me at times. 

The more I search for answers, the more distraught I become. Always wondering when I will be next. When it will be my turn. Not even fully focusing on the fact that I'm not fully "healed". Thankfully, I'm now beginning to realize that if I still hold on to that pain that I will never be 100% happy in any relationship that may come my way.  If I don't have SELF LOVE then I won't be able to fully accept anyone who offers their love to me. I realized that I have to change the way I look at this. So I charge myself and anyone else looking at their "scars" as a reminder of pain to start thinking of it as a reminder of how far you've come despite all that you have endured. If you guys have been following me you know my life hasn't been filled with cupcakes and roses all around these last 2 years. I've had a plethora of stormy days that in turn led me to my rainbows. I've come a long way and I desperately want to experience love again. And I'm sure you do too, but before WE do, WE have to be ready. 

 

I thought I'd share a snippet of some words of wisdom a friend shared with me today. 

After he challenged me to read the book of Ruth and I asked him a million and one questions lol this was his response....

"Ruth was willing to sacrifice and was even willing to pick up the leftover of grains without complaining". What are we willing to sacrifice or do while aligned in God's perfect will? Allow yourself to be in God's perfect will and watch him reward you."

After reading the book ok Ruth and seeking understanding from a mentor I came to this.....Ruth was loyal to Naomi, but more importantly she was faithful to God and in the end he sent Boaz to her. A nice fine man that was rich. So with all that being said, focus on you and your personal relationship with God. Know that you have scars, but you are not broken. Let them build you, and not break you. Encourage you and not bring you down. You keep all this in mind and God will send your Boaz to you. He may not be fine and Rich, but he will be the person that God specifically sculpted and created just for you. :) Your King will come. Just make sure you're in a position to recieve your blessing and not miss a beat. And baby just believe that as I minister to you, I minister to myself. 

With Love, 

Bridge💋

"Girlllll You Look Gooooood"

"Bridge, girl you look good, what the hell are you doing?" 

"I've been trying to lose weight for so long. How do you stay motivated?" 

"Girl I'm trying to get like you. Help a Sista out" 

Those statement above are all too familiar to me. I spend a lot of time a week reaching out to individuals to help them on their weight loss journey. I know it's hard! So I'm dedicating this blog to all of you. Below I have listed 10 things that I do to help me along this journey. They are in no specific order. All are extremely important to my success. 

10. A walk a day keeps the doctors away.  

Get up and walk!!! Try to dedicate 30 minutes of your day to strictly walking. I promise you will feel so much better. You can maintain a healthy weight, prevent or manage various conditions, including heart disease, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes, strengthen your bones and improve your balance and coordination. And did I mention that you will FEEL BETTER!!! Start slow. Losing weight doesn't need to be a fast process. Give your body time to adjust. 

9. Change your way of thinking. 

Getting healthy should be a lifestyle change. I stray away from using words like diet, because to me it implies that it's temporary. So I don't go on diets. I just change my lifestyle into something I can do for the rest of my life. 

8. Make it fun! Have a Blast! 

Do something that you enjoy!!! I love to go running so getting up and doing it is easy and fun for me. And guess what?...I lose a lot of weight doing it. Find what makes you happy and go for it! 

7. Get your friends involved. 

It's always fun when friends are involved. Have friendly competitions from time to time. Me and my girl friends got together and challenged each other to run/jog 10miles a week. It was hard but it was fun! So bring your friends along on this journey with you. 

          (As you can see I'm slacking lol) 

6. Cook! Meal Prep! Water! 

This is one of the most important steps that I take. Take the time out to cook and meal prep for an entire week. It keeps you from last minute stops at McDonalds or Burger King and you're able to scale out exactly how much you're eating. Limit your sweets and bread intake. More fruit and veggies. Remember that what you eat is a LARGE portion of your weight loss journey. Also,  Drink PLENTY of water each day. I keep water in my car at all times so I can just drink a bottle at any given moment. Even if it's hot. I was told 64oz is a good amount each day. So start there. 

5. I Cheat...

Enjoy a nice cheat day or just a cheat meal from time to time. It's ok to slip up every once in a while. Just don't make "slipping up" a habit. 

4. Oh how I love free apps!!! 

Anything from My Fitness Pal, Nike+, and Calorie Counter helps to monitor your progress and weight loss. And did I mention they are FREE! My favorite word. ☺️

3. Get some Zzzzzzs Baby!!! 

Rest is extremely important for your physical and mental health. This is an area that I struggle with, but I'm working hard at. At least 8 hours folks. Rest your beautiful body and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take over the world!  

2. Tell the World!!! 

Sharing my progress with the world keeps me on my toes. Keeps me from backtracking too much because I know that there is someone, either waiting on me to fail or wanting to go through this journey with me because they see my progress and know they can too do the same. While becoming healthier is definitely something I'm doing for myself, I'm also doing it for the ones who believed they couldn't.

1. Believe in You! 

I have to admit that I doubted myself a lot in the beginning. I had tried so many times before to lose weight and it just wasn't happening. I would start then stop. Then start. Then stop. But time was different. I had a plan in place and I believed 100% in myself and that I could and WOULD get healthier. It all started there. If I didn't believe in myself I wouldn't have made the I progress that I have made. So believe in yourself. You can do anything you set you mind to. As cliche as that sounds, it is 100% true. 

     (started at 213 and is currently 175) 

So what now? What's next? GET UP AND MOVE!!! YOU GOT THIS!!! YOU CAN AND WILL DO IT! I believe in you! Any question please comment below. I'm here to help! 

With Love, 

Bridge 💋