Heart racing. Shortness of breath. Tears beginning to well up in my eyes. Body feeling numb...every 3 to 4 hours the cycle happens all over again. I lay there trying to control myself, counting back and forth from 1-50... "1..2..3..4..5.......50...49..48..47..46", praying that I will soon fall back asleep. Crying my eyes out sometimes because I can't. When I finally wake up in the morning, the feelings I have are no better. I don't want to move. I don't want to get up. This little voice in my head keeps telling me, "It's not worth it. You're just. Not. Worth. It."
The moment when I realized that I believed that "little voice in my head", is when I knew something was wrong with me. It wasn't until one horrible day that I was forced to do something about it. The devil saw fit to ease his way in my thoughts and it went downhill from there. As I walked down Alcoa Road one Friday evening, I begin to have thoughts that I've never had before. I was tired. Tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of feeling alone. I start really thinking about the most painless way to end this all. Again, I. Was. Tired. My life was no longer important to me and I began to speak so much negativity over myself while devising a plan in my head. In the middle of all of that, I recieved a phone call from one of my sorority sisters. After ignoring the phone call 3 times I finally answered.
"Hello"
"Hey Bridge. What's going on? Are you ok? I was just calling to check on you."
"Yes, I'm fine"
"Bridge, you don't sound fine. Are you ok?"
*hangs up phone*
I turned my phone off and cried my heart out for 15 minutes. Thoughts still pounding at my soul. Called her back and told her, "No. No, I'm not ok." I ended up telling her everything that happened. All of the thoughts that were running through my head and how I felt inside. She told me to go to the doctor, but I refused. I worked at a psychiatric hospital and no one was about to call me crazy. I wasn't having it. But after all of her begging and pleading I made an appointment and went to see the therapist and psychiatrist the next day.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder as well as panic disorder. Prescribed Celexa and Xanax. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want them to think I was "Crazy" or that I had a problem. But I learned that people suffer from these disorders every day and they don't recieve help because of the same reasons I didn't want to. Afraid of what others would think. Like I said before, I worked at a mental health hospital so I experienced it every day, but I refused to be one of "them".
I was skeptical about even writing this blog post because I didn't want people to judge me. But there are SO many people suffering from mental illnesses and they are slowly dying on the inside each day. So if this reaches ONE person then I know I've done my job.
Last but not least, If you're reading this and are suffering from what you think may be depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc, or knows someone who you believe may be, PLEASE GET HELP. If you don't know where to go I will help you find the resources you need and hold your hand until you get the help you deserve. I admit that I still battle my anxiety, but I have fully overcome my depression. Through God, my family, and my doctor. It was a year long journey but I overcame it and so WILL you. Don't allow that "voice in your head" to rule over your life and make you feel less than important. Less than worth it. Less than deserving. You are a Child of God and you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Believe that with all your heart. I sure do.
This post was made with love overflowing from my heart to yours. God loves you. And I do too.
~Bridge~
