"A Letter to My Past"

Dear Past, 

Oh, I knew we would end up back here. At this very moment. Me, reminiscing about everything that has happened. You, reminding me of it all. There was a time where I used to look back at you with disgust. I'd say mean things about how horrible you were and how I hated what you put me through. There were times I felt so weak to the point where a simple feather could brush my face and knock my entire body down and the weight of the pain I was feeling would keep my plastered to the ground. Even though I think about you and weep from time to time, you have shaped me into the person I am today. So I want to thank you. I want to give you 5 reasons why I appreciate you, through the midst of it all. 

5. You've shown me how to "let go". 

From my many failed relationships and broken hearts, you've shown me the art of "letting go". You've disallowed me to attempt to keep someone that doesn't want to be kept. To love someone deeply that doesn't want to be loved. And to take care of someone that doesn't want to be taken care of. I'm not done learning this "art" but, because of you, I've come a mighty long way. Thank you. 

4.  You've shown me my true beauty. 

I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a short, dark skinned, small lipped, big hips, big ass, unattractive girl. And the only way I would think I was pretty was if some knuckled head boy began to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Then one day I realized that all my imperfections makes me who I am. I now love every curve on my body, every roll, every stretch mark...all that. I'm in love with the person I am. And I believe I'm beautiful. Thank you. 

3. You've taught me how to forgive. 

It took me 2 years to forgive my ex boyfriend for leaving me two months after my mother passed. I mean I hated him. Nothing anyone would say, could make me not want to exert excruciating pain all over his body. But, who was I hurting? He sure in hell had moved on and could care less about my said hatred towards him. Me on the other hand, I was filled with hate that was really just underlined with hurt. So in the end, I was causing more damage to myself. But when I forgave him. Like REALLY forgave him, I felt free. Like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulder. I was able to breathe again. Thank you. 

2. You've shown me my true strength. 

A swear a person never knows how strong they are until being strong is the only option. I can talk about this subject all day. I lost my mother and boyfriend in 2012. In 2014 alone my car got repossessed 3 times and I was close to being evicted from my apartment. I struggled with depression and anxiety and I was close to throwing my hands up and saying forget all of this. I'd hit rock bottom and I felt myself sinking further down. BUT GOD. He showed me so much favor at those times. I had no choice but to pull myself up from the ground and rebuild my strength. It took a lot of work. But it was all worth it. For that, I say "Thank You". 

1. You've taught me how to LIVE and not just EXIST. 

I never walked with a purpose. I was merely on this earth just to past time until it was time for me to leave. I wasn't LIVING. But now...I'm not afraid to take chances. I'm not afraid to do things I've never done before or that are just out of the ordinary. I don't let my fears hold me back from potential greatness. I mean I did just fly on an airplane for the first time last month!!! (Talk about growth lol). I want to travel, see the world, meet new friends, fall in love, have a family, all that good stuff. But I can't if I hold myself back. You've taught me how to LIVE and how to do it to the fullest. Thank you! 

See most times we don't appreciate what our past has done for us. Without it, without you...I wouldn't be the person I am today. Now don't get me wrong, these scars I have are not pretty at all. They still kinda trouble me at times because it's a constant reminder of pain. But it's also a constant reminder of progress. I'm nowhere near where I was before. And it's because of you. So again I thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I'm sure you'll be receiving another letter from me soon, because I know you're not done with me. With tearing me down, to build me up. With your life lessons and all that good stuff. But until then, I'll wait, I'll learn, and I'll keep in mind all that you've taught me. Until next time. 

With love, 

B 

Mirror

When I look into the mirror

What do I see

A beautiful young black woman

Staring back at me. 

Her smile hides her tears

Her eyes hides her heart

And there's so much going on inside of her

That should have torn her world apart

But although she weeps at night

And laughs throughout the day

She is content and happy with life

And has been blessed along the way

She's definitely no size four

With hips as wide as as the sea

She has her flaws and wears them well

She is perfectly imperfect. She's me. 

So again I look into the mirror 

Reminded of who I see. 

A beautifully imperfect, flawed, black young woman

Staring back at me. 

If

If I could see your face again 

I'd never look away 

If I could hear your voice again 

I'd listen to every word you say 

If I could have just one more minute 

I'd make it last a while

And if I could just sit and feel your touch

I'm sure it'll make me smile. 

If I could have just one more chance 

To show you that I care

I'd scream it from the mountaintop

And pray that you'll be there 

If I could hold your hand again

I would hold on to it tight

I would never let it go 

And I'd keep you close to me each night 

If my dreams could last a lifetime

I would stay asleep for long 

I'd replay our foundest memories 

And relive our favorite song

Even though it seems I'm speaking 

As if you are not here 

Right now I know you're absent from the flesh

But in my heart I know you're near

Sometimes I wish I told you more 

Just how I really feel

Because now it seems it's taking longer

For my dear heart to heal

Just know that I can't express enough 

How much you mean to me

Not just today, but everyday

I just wish that you could see. 

But, again to my Queen I love you 

In every single way

And from this here Earth unto the heavens 

I wish you a Happy Mothers Day.

Sandra Blair

July 29, 1954-September 23, 2012

Over

Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it. 

I bet your wounds are still fresh from my nails digging into your skin, pulling you and begging you to stay. 

Bargaining and pleading and confessing my love for you with words I've never even known existed. 

I bet your shirt is still damp from the river of tears I cried when you first said, "It's over."  

 

Streaming as wide as the ocean. As calm as the sea but as disturbed and as massive as a hurricane destroying a town like you destroyed my heart. 

I bet your legs are still tired from constantly running away from me. 

As I chased after you in hopes that you would love me again like I loved you despite of what you said. I realized that you were gone farrrr before you left. And I still didn't want to let you go. 

But I did. 

Your wounds healed. 

Your shirt dried. 

Your legs are well rested. 

And we can finally say it's over. 

My One & Only

Day 4: Choose God

When has God not been good enough? Why am I blogging about "Choosing God" as if there's another valuable option? 

This is probably the most important day of my series. I'm blogging about what I'm doing to impact my life and "Choosing God" is definitely #1 on my list. I've been going through a lot where I've not been faithful to God and his word. Instead of allowing God to order my steps, I've been trying to lead my own life and direct my own path. And guess what?....I've been falling flat on my face for that every reason. 

In a previous blog I discussed my relationship with God. I soon realized what I was doing wrong.  I don't pray like I should. I don't read my bible like I should. My relationship with God is present only because he promised to never leave me. But I've honestly been treating him like an "option" or like he is "2nd place". Not purposely, but I admit that it's been happening. I mean, how can I expect God to hear me when I won't allow my heart to speak to him.

God provides me with everything I need. Even when I feel I'm at my wits end, he shows up and shows out for me. I swear I'm so underserving, but he keeps on blessing me. So despite anything I may go through I promise to "Choose God". He is and will forever be the only way. 

Love,

B 

Sushi: My New Found Love

Day 3: Adventure 

So the weather was totally not in love with me today so I wasn't really able to do what I wanted to in regards to Day3 of R.E.A.C.H. But nevertheless, my main goal for today was to do something I've never done before. Something totally out of my element. So guess what I did?........I ate Sushi. (My, My, My) 

Now any time I've heard the word Sushi I cringed. And that's because I always thought about raw, uncooked fish. (I know I'm a little oblivious to what it really is lol) I love me some seafood, but the thought of my fish not being cooked, just never really sounded that appeasing to me. But baby look...My boss and coworker went to lunch and brought me back Sushi and I fell in love. I placed that California Roll in my mouth and I swear my tongue had an organism. I totally underestimated how good it could be. I absolutely fell in love. 

Now as little and minute as that may sound, I was kinda proud of myself. I'm not really an outgoing person when it comes to trying new things. I get so comfortable in my normal routine and it felt great to kind of step out of my element. Ya know, to do something different. 

So my advice to you is to try something different. Dedicate a time once a month or once a week to step out of your comfort zone and do something you've never done before. It's one of my new techniques I'm using to just enjoy life. 

I plan to go ice skating and to go jumping at the trampoline house! What's your plans? 

So talk to me! When's the last time you've done something for the first time? Comment your answers below. :) 

P.S.-Want to try some great Sushi in Arlington? Go to Suzushii Sushi Restaurant on Hwy 287 North. 

Love, 

B. 

The 5'0 Dreamer

Day 2: Envision 

So something I have been absolutely procrastinating about doing is making a vision board. I have seen it on Pinterest, heard people talk about it, and my friends have done it. I knew that it would be something that I could benefit from,but again it took me so long to get started. So guess what I did today? Made me a vision board. :) This post is about visions, dreaming, striving towards your goals with the help of a vision board.  I'm going to cover the 3 most important reasons why I feel it's important to have a vision board. Let's go.

3. They are so much fun to do. 

Who didn't love arts and crafts in elementary school? I sure did. I enjoyed spending time looking through magazines and scoping out words that popped out to me and pictures that expressed my emotions. I saw a gorgeous wedding dress, saw ways I want to relieve stress, and a nice big salad to motivate me and my healthy lifestyle. I loved it. It was kind of liberating for me. I felt like I was doing something amazing for myself and I absolutely enjoyed it.

2. Create your own future. 

Making a vision board allows me to create my own future. It sort of makes me feel like I am in control of my own destiny. I know that in the end, God has the final say, but that doesn't mean that I sit around and remain idle, knowing that I have goals I want to reach. Ya know, places I want to go. So in my future I see a 50lbs lighter, Mental Health Therapist, married with children, with this fly style and popular blog. All of those things are expressed on my vision board. Time to get to it!

1. See it. Believe it. Achieve it. 

This one sort of ties in with #2. We as people are extremely visual. Our minds respond strongly to visual stimulation. It is very helpful to be able to look at your goals, dreams, and ideal life each day and want to work hard towards achieving it all.  It gives you a sense of hope and confidence. Makes me feel so ready to take on the world. I want to be good, no GREAT at what I do. Just all around great at life and have the most fulfilled one ever. I believe something so simple as a vision board could do that for me, and you!

So what do you need?

• Old magazines
• Poster board (some people use cardboard or a cork board)
• Scissors 
• Glue stick 
• Tape 
• Markers 
• Anything else you would like to make it absolutely unique to you 

Ok so I want to hear from you. Tell me 3 goals you hope to accomplish by the end of 2015? How do you keep up with your goals and how do you feel once you reach them? 

Stay tuned tomorrow for Day 3 of R.E.A.C.H.- Adventure. I'm going to do something I've never done before and I can't wait to share. See ya soon! :)

Love, 

B

My Morning Mimosas

Day 1: Rest. Relax. Just Breathe. 

So I woke up Saturday morning and decided that I was going to take a few hours to myself and relax. Do something nice for myself, ya know. I'm always doing so much for other people and I never really get a chance to focus on Bridge.  But not on that day. I was DETERMINED to chill THEE HELL OUT. So...I cooked. Made myself the best French toast on the South Side of Arlington, TX and found a nice drink recipe for mimosas. (Oh how I love Mimosas!!) I also bought myself flowers. Who does that right? I've never had anyone buy me flowers in my life, but I decided that I would buy my own and watch them bloom. 

I sat at the table, ate my French toast and strawberries, drank my peach mimosas, and admired my beautiful lilies, all while listening to some Old school R&B. Pretty sure I had "My Heart Belongs to You," by Jodeci on repeat. Lol

As simple as all of this sounds; I experienced the most relaxing hour of my life that I've had in a VERY long time and all I could do was smile after it was all said and done. And the crazy thing is that it was all extremely therapeutic for me. I realized that it's absolutely necessary to take a second out for yourself. Away from distractions and people. We sometimes get so wrapped up in work, friends and their problems, families and their issues, and everything else that's thrown at us, that we just say, "Forget our own sanity". 

My main message to you all is to take time out for self. Find something that you like to do and just do it. Commit yourself to enjoying that time atleast one hour a week (which may not be enough). Turn off your cell phone and the tv. Eliminate any and all distractions. Focus on YOU. I promise that you will feel a 10000000 times better. Less anxiety and stress. More importantly baby, just RELAX. 

So right now, I proclaim that my Saturday mornings will be filled with breakfast, mimosas (lots of mimosas :) ) and music. 

So talk me guys! What do you plan on doing to relax each week? Or tell me what you're already doing. 

Also, be sure to check back with me tomorrow for Day 2 (Envision) of my series, "R.E.A.C.H."  

With Love, 

B

12:54am

These hours were made for me. My mind just flows to a place away from the reality of the world and I begin to dream with my eyes wide open.

All I can think about is your big, husky arms around me. 

We slowly take a trip to the bed, you gently lay me down, and place your warm lips against mine. 

You're whispering in my ear all the things you want to do to me. It's beautiful. 

It's not just an act for you. 

You want to give me an experience.

You want nothing more than to explore my body, making sure that every single inch is touched and pleased to perfection.

You place my pleasure above your own needs and when I moan, and scream, and scratch, and pull, you soon realize that you're giving me everything I've wanted, and needed, and baby so much more.  

You're not about showing me what I've been missing, you'd rather show me what I deserve.

You breathe deeply, stroke me slowly and you effortlessly present to me what true love making is all about. 

It's not about the fast pumps and dirty talks. 

But it's more about the "Pull me Closer," and the slow grinds.

In between every stroke you whisper "I love you, baby" in my ear and I feel it through your heart.

The penetration is good, but our connection is so much better. 

Our hearts are in control of the entire process and that alone is enough to take me there. 

We are determined to continue until we both climax. 

And as the strokes become more rapid and the moans become more vocal, I scream, and we both release. 

We lay there. 

The adrenaline is rushing through our bodies still as we are amazed at the experience we both just encountered. We are taken away from the magnitude of emotions that are flowing through our spirits. 

We lay there silent. 

We don't say a word. But we know that at that moment we got to experience just a small taste of perfection. 

Not because we both were perfect, but because we were perfect for each other.

At that moment, he didn't care about my flaws and I didn't care about his.

He looked at me as if he'd seen an angel sent straight from heaven, right down to be beside him. 

I looked at him like I've seen a Greek God, handsome, strong, and able to do no wrong. 

True love prevailed and I never wanted to let that moment go......

But then I wake up. Eyes still open, bed still empty, and life still missing true love. But until it comes, I'm ok with dreaming. And with that being said, I don't mind returning back tomorrow at 12:54am.
~B~ 

Waiting to Exhale

"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." 

More than anything I'm ready to exhale. Ready to release all that I have built up inside of me. I'm ready to breathe again. One of the hardest things in life to deal with is learning how to fully forgive someone that has wronged you. How do you forgive the guy that cheated on you, the girl that lied to you, the father that left you, the mother that abandoned you? How do you truly let go? 

Can I be completely honest for a second?....I woke up a few mornings ago and realized that I wasn't over the hurt and pain that I endured during my last relationship. I was cheated on, lied to, made to feel less than worthy, etc. Almost every negative emotion you can endure, I went through with him. That has been TWO YEARS AGO! TWO. And you mean to tell me I'm still battling this? Why does it still bother me? *sigh* Because I have not fully forgiven him for what he has done. Better late than never for me to come to this realization, Right? 

So in this post, I will explore what I personally feel the 3 hardest reasons why forgiving someone is so freaking hard to me in general and specifically with (him). 

3. "I forgive you, but man I can't believe you did that...."

When a person has wronged me I forgive them but let me tell you...I do NOT forget. I sometimes bring it up every chance I get just so they can fully understand how wrong I believe they were and how much they have hurt me.  But is that fair? Why would I say it's over and that I forgive them, when all I'm going to do is constantly bring it up, causing more issues in the long run. I don't know how many times I've tried to convince myself that I'm "over it", just to get mad every time I hear his name. I'm not saying to "Forgive and Forget". I'm saying "Forgive and LET GO". Move past it. Don't stay stuck in that same position forever or you will be stuck in a world of unhappiness. (Trust me, I know. I've been single for two years because of it) 

2. "I just know you'll do it again"....

Once a liar always a liar, right? Once a cheater always a cheater, right? Honestly, sometimes, yes. But do we treat everyone and every situation the same? 

It's already so hard for me to fully forgive and let go...then you tell me I need to TRUST you again too? Please. How am I suppose to do that? Learning to trust again is definitely the hardest act for me. That's why I review actions more than anything. If a person keeps showing me that they will continuously hurt and lie to me, I have to let them go. But if I see true, genuine effort to rebuild our relationship and trust, I will stand by their side every step of the way. It will hurt and take some work, but I will be there for the ride. That's what unconditional love is all about. 

1. "Was it me? What did I do wrong?" 

This may seem silly, but for me, forgiving sometimes has a lot to do with what I feel my role was in the situation. For a while I blamed myself for the lies, the cheating, etc. Now don't get me wrong, I definitely wasn't perfect, but that doesn't mean I deserved any of that.  I go through this cycle where I blame myself then I turn around and say, "Nah F*** that, it was him"...he should be the one to blame. I go through this constant battle in my head all the time. Not realizing how detrimental it is to my healing process. I can't blame myself for other people's wrong doings. I can only realize my role and forgive myself for only MY actions. And even if they don't apologize, I still should forgive. Not for them...but for me. 

So there you have it. 3 reasons why forgiving someone is so hard for me to do. Writing this post is helping me sort out my emotions and preparing me to battle my issues head on. If you are dealing with issues of unforgivieness I challenge you to really take a look into yourself and the situations and figure out how to get through it and the reasons that it's held you back for so long. Remember how good it will feel to finally breathe without that excess weight on your shoulders. To finally exhale all that pain and hurt you feel and to be FREE! Free of the burden that unforgivieness causes. I can't wait to exhale. What about you?  

As always, remember, "As I minister to you, I minister to myself." 

 

With Love, 

B

*Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)*