Harder to Breathe

The constant flow of tears that left my eyes Sunday morning was unexpected but more importantly, it was needed. For a while I've been feeling suffocated by my worries, smothered by my thoughts, and asphyxiated by my problems. They have taken over my life. I completely lost control.  Or failed to realize who was in it. See I've never been afraid to admit to my short comings or even the negative things that are going on in my life. But I've held so much in that I feel like I haven't been able to breathe. Ya know, like I've been "waiting to exhale." Waiting to just relax and let go of fear and worry instead of living by it each day.

I feel like I'm in constant battle with the devil and im not prepared for war. Like I know that "this battle is not mine, it's the Lords", but I often find myself asking if God can hear me. Even when I don't pray, does my constant flow of tears reach him? I mean it's tough feeling alone.

During church service, one of the ministries danced to "Take Me to the King", by Tamela Mann and it was the first time I actually listened to the song. Let me tell you that the story of my life was in the words of the song. I felt tired and like there was nothing that I could do about it. I felt weak with entirely no strength to fight and I continued to question whether or not God could hear my cry. 

I soon realized why I felt this way. I don't pray like I should. I don't read my bible like I should. My relationship with God is present only because he promised to never leave me. But I've honestly been treating him like an "option" or like he is "2nd place". Not purposely, but I admit that it's been happening. I mean, how can I expect God to hear me when I won't allow my heart to speak to him. I try to live life alone. Barely even asking family for help. And when things are going good in my life, I don't thank God like I should. I go to him mostly when I'm at my wits end and things have gone terribly wrong. Just think if I actually let him order my steps all along. This pain and misery is sometimes something I bring on myself by just not believing or trusting in God and his word. Faith is what you call it. I haven't been exercising my faith. 

So now what?......Do I just talk about all the wrong I've done with no intention to change? Do I keep placing myself in these same situations and wish for a different outcome? Or do I take action and change my life to be one that's of God? I feel personally that change is necessary. And I have to be the one to do it. I can't rely on my family, my pastor, or anyone else that has been praying for me. Lord I need you and I want you to walk with me and guide my steps. So I end this message with one of the most powerful prayers that I personally connect to. A Prayer from David; 

"Hear me, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me. (Psalm 86:1-7 NIV).......Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. (Psalm 86:11-12 NIV)

"As I minister to you. I minister to myself." Now it's time to Exhale. -Bridge

Just Call Me Bridge :)

So I know I'm not famous(yet) and only a handful of you truly know me, but I thought I would give my followers a chance to ask me absolutely anything they wanted to. I was surprised by some of the questions but I had a pleasure in answering them all. Please feel free to ask more or follow up on any of the answers that I've already given. Here is goes! 

What sparks your creative juices? 

Man...pretty much anything. I have so much inside of me to say, but they only seems to come out at certain points. Those times are mostly in the middle of the night. I have a dream or can't go back to sleep so I write. I'm an emotional person so a lot of times when I write, it's because whatever im going through at the moment or have gone through, deserves to be shared. So I do just that. 

Is it true that you haven't been on an elevator since 2009? 

Nope it isn't true! My friend was in the hospital this year and I had no choice but to get on the elevator to visit him. But before then. Yep! I am extremely claustrophobic and elevators gives me anxiety. I got stuck on one in college after just "getting over my fear" so that put me right back to where I was. 

Now that you're losing weight, do guys try to approach you more than they did before you started losing it? These are guys that knew you before the weight loss? 

Hmmmm. Good question. Guys that knew me before the weight loss have not tried to pursue me now that I've lost weight. I wish I could be on some, "Mike Jones, Back then they didn't want me type stuff" but that isn't the case. Lol. I will say that I have been approached more by random guys now that I'm a few pounds lighter than when I was heavier. But obviously that could mean absolutely nothing because I'm still single as a dollar bill. Lol 

What food won't you eat? 

I am such a picky eater so there is a lot of food I won't eat. But I will have to say sushi. The idea of raw cold fish just sickens me. Why would they do that to us? *sigh* 

Do you ever feel like there are exceptions to this qoute? 

This is tough. We are ALWAYS growing. I feel even when we THINK we have reached our full potential, we could be better. So me falling in love with a man who is working hard but not in his career of choice yet, has a car but it's not the nicest, or makes money but not as much as he would like, that wouldn't be so much of an issue for me. If im seeing his drive, ambition, and his determination, I know that he will make it to where he wants and needs to be soon and very soon. Now HOWEVER, if you're dealing with a man that doesn't work, doesn't pay bills, won't even try to be a responsible adult, I say hell no. He may make it to where he wants to be but, I wouldn't be able to hang around for the ride. Everyone has potential. But you have to show me you're trying to reach your highest. Show me your heart. That's what I'd rather fall in love with anyway. See that doesn't change. 

If you had the power to remove one issue that affects the growth of the world for the betterment what would that issue be? What was your reasoning for selecting your issue?

Whew. That's tough. It's so much wrong in the world we live in. So where do I start...Hmmm I would have to say that I would remove the ability for the human race to see and notice racial and social differencences amongst one another. It may sound crazy but even in our differences, if we could see each other the same as the next, then we would treat each other accordingly. No decisions would be based on race or social status. We would all be equal in the way we are treated. 

So this celebacy thing, how's it working out for you? How long has it been? 

Ok so it's been 9 months. Well, let's just say it's hard. But rewarding. There are so many emotions tied to sex when it comes to me. I'd rather save it for my husband instead of allowing it to be a barrier and take over the relationship. Or to just give it to anyone who is of course nondeserving. Choosing to be celibate has been one of the best decisions I've made and I believe God will reward me for that. 

If you could see your mother just one more time, what would you do? Say? 

I would hug and kiss her and not let her go. I would tell her all about the last 2 years of my life and ask her for her advice. She was my Olivia Pope. She "fixed" all of my problems and helped me with EVERYTHING.  So I would ask her for her wisdom so I could really take care of myself and handle my problems the best way. I wouldn't want to let her go. I would want to talk all night until I couldn't talk anymore or until she shut me up. Lol oh how I miss that feisty lady. Smooches Ma! Rest in Love. 

Welp those are the bulk of my questions! Please comment below and again, feel free to ask any of your own. 

Bridge:)