Harder to Breathe

The constant flow of tears that left my eyes Sunday morning was unexpected but more importantly, it was needed. For a while I've been feeling suffocated by my worries, smothered by my thoughts, and asphyxiated by my problems. They have taken over my life. I completely lost control.  Or failed to realize who was in it. See I've never been afraid to admit to my short comings or even the negative things that are going on in my life. But I've held so much in that I feel like I haven't been able to breathe. Ya know, like I've been "waiting to exhale." Waiting to just relax and let go of fear and worry instead of living by it each day.

I feel like I'm in constant battle with the devil and im not prepared for war. Like I know that "this battle is not mine, it's the Lords", but I often find myself asking if God can hear me. Even when I don't pray, does my constant flow of tears reach him? I mean it's tough feeling alone.

During church service, one of the ministries danced to "Take Me to the King", by Tamela Mann and it was the first time I actually listened to the song. Let me tell you that the story of my life was in the words of the song. I felt tired and like there was nothing that I could do about it. I felt weak with entirely no strength to fight and I continued to question whether or not God could hear my cry. 

I soon realized why I felt this way. I don't pray like I should. I don't read my bible like I should. My relationship with God is present only because he promised to never leave me. But I've honestly been treating him like an "option" or like he is "2nd place". Not purposely, but I admit that it's been happening. I mean, how can I expect God to hear me when I won't allow my heart to speak to him. I try to live life alone. Barely even asking family for help. And when things are going good in my life, I don't thank God like I should. I go to him mostly when I'm at my wits end and things have gone terribly wrong. Just think if I actually let him order my steps all along. This pain and misery is sometimes something I bring on myself by just not believing or trusting in God and his word. Faith is what you call it. I haven't been exercising my faith. 

So now what?......Do I just talk about all the wrong I've done with no intention to change? Do I keep placing myself in these same situations and wish for a different outcome? Or do I take action and change my life to be one that's of God? I feel personally that change is necessary. And I have to be the one to do it. I can't rely on my family, my pastor, or anyone else that has been praying for me. Lord I need you and I want you to walk with me and guide my steps. So I end this message with one of the most powerful prayers that I personally connect to. A Prayer from David; 

"Hear me, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me. (Psalm 86:1-7 NIV).......Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. (Psalm 86:11-12 NIV)

"As I minister to you. I minister to myself." Now it's time to Exhale. -Bridge

Just Call Me Bridge :)

So I know I'm not famous(yet) and only a handful of you truly know me, but I thought I would give my followers a chance to ask me absolutely anything they wanted to. I was surprised by some of the questions but I had a pleasure in answering them all. Please feel free to ask more or follow up on any of the answers that I've already given. Here is goes! 

What sparks your creative juices? 

Man...pretty much anything. I have so much inside of me to say, but they only seems to come out at certain points. Those times are mostly in the middle of the night. I have a dream or can't go back to sleep so I write. I'm an emotional person so a lot of times when I write, it's because whatever im going through at the moment or have gone through, deserves to be shared. So I do just that. 

Is it true that you haven't been on an elevator since 2009? 

Nope it isn't true! My friend was in the hospital this year and I had no choice but to get on the elevator to visit him. But before then. Yep! I am extremely claustrophobic and elevators gives me anxiety. I got stuck on one in college after just "getting over my fear" so that put me right back to where I was. 

Now that you're losing weight, do guys try to approach you more than they did before you started losing it? These are guys that knew you before the weight loss? 

Hmmmm. Good question. Guys that knew me before the weight loss have not tried to pursue me now that I've lost weight. I wish I could be on some, "Mike Jones, Back then they didn't want me type stuff" but that isn't the case. Lol. I will say that I have been approached more by random guys now that I'm a few pounds lighter than when I was heavier. But obviously that could mean absolutely nothing because I'm still single as a dollar bill. Lol 

What food won't you eat? 

I am such a picky eater so there is a lot of food I won't eat. But I will have to say sushi. The idea of raw cold fish just sickens me. Why would they do that to us? *sigh* 

Do you ever feel like there are exceptions to this qoute? 

This is tough. We are ALWAYS growing. I feel even when we THINK we have reached our full potential, we could be better. So me falling in love with a man who is working hard but not in his career of choice yet, has a car but it's not the nicest, or makes money but not as much as he would like, that wouldn't be so much of an issue for me. If im seeing his drive, ambition, and his determination, I know that he will make it to where he wants and needs to be soon and very soon. Now HOWEVER, if you're dealing with a man that doesn't work, doesn't pay bills, won't even try to be a responsible adult, I say hell no. He may make it to where he wants to be but, I wouldn't be able to hang around for the ride. Everyone has potential. But you have to show me you're trying to reach your highest. Show me your heart. That's what I'd rather fall in love with anyway. See that doesn't change. 

If you had the power to remove one issue that affects the growth of the world for the betterment what would that issue be? What was your reasoning for selecting your issue?

Whew. That's tough. It's so much wrong in the world we live in. So where do I start...Hmmm I would have to say that I would remove the ability for the human race to see and notice racial and social differencences amongst one another. It may sound crazy but even in our differences, if we could see each other the same as the next, then we would treat each other accordingly. No decisions would be based on race or social status. We would all be equal in the way we are treated. 

So this celebacy thing, how's it working out for you? How long has it been? 

Ok so it's been 9 months. Well, let's just say it's hard. But rewarding. There are so many emotions tied to sex when it comes to me. I'd rather save it for my husband instead of allowing it to be a barrier and take over the relationship. Or to just give it to anyone who is of course nondeserving. Choosing to be celibate has been one of the best decisions I've made and I believe God will reward me for that. 

If you could see your mother just one more time, what would you do? Say? 

I would hug and kiss her and not let her go. I would tell her all about the last 2 years of my life and ask her for her advice. She was my Olivia Pope. She "fixed" all of my problems and helped me with EVERYTHING.  So I would ask her for her wisdom so I could really take care of myself and handle my problems the best way. I wouldn't want to let her go. I would want to talk all night until I couldn't talk anymore or until she shut me up. Lol oh how I miss that feisty lady. Smooches Ma! Rest in Love. 

Welp those are the bulk of my questions! Please comment below and again, feel free to ask any of your own. 

Bridge:) 

The Prediction by K'La

So here it is, flat out and simple…which do you trust your heart or your head? See your heart will lead you where you want to be, but your head will lead you where you ought to be. But which will lead you where you’re meant to be? See I followed my heart and it led me where I am, but my head is continuously telling me that I’m not where I should be by reminding me of the pain I go through just being where I am.

But I ask myself, what if this is meant? Although it’s hard, although it hurts, although it feels at times that it may not be fair, what if this is truly meant? What if I wait this out, stick with it through all the pain and hard work and it all pays off? What if I can change his life and in return he changes mine?

But then again, what if I wait this out, stick with it through all the pain and hard work and it falls to pieces? Should I care more about me, or about him? Who should I love more? Am I willing to hurt him now and save myself later, or put myself on the line and save him?

In the end I guess it all comes down to what kind of person you are. Am I a thinker, or am I a feeler? Do I plan ahead or do I follow my whims? Do I use logic or do I use compassion? Do I give condemnations or chances, or even more. Which does he make me want to be?-K'La

Let me tell you....there is no tougher battle than when you fight with your heart versus your head. In college I kept this poem into rotation because, in my relationship, I never knew which way to go. So talk to me people...Which one do you trust? Your heart or your head, and why? 

*Please make sure you follow her and check out "The Prediction" from her mixtape, The Coldest Winter Ever* 

Twitter.com/klathelyricist

YouTube.com/klahthelyricst 

Klathelyricst.com 

Dear Black Boy

Dear Black Boy, 

I love you. I appreciate you. And there is no limit to how much I will advocate for you. Although I know how it feels to be a black woman in this world, I have absolutely no idea how it feels to be a black man. To always be looked at as the perp, the criminal, the bad guy. The one who is never enough once standing by the side of a white man. To fear for my life as I leave the house, walk down the street, walk to the store. I'll never know the pain you endure and the heart ache you must feel right now. The confusion. The anger.  But can I ask just one thing of you?....

Let's be better than {them}. Let's show {them} that they only need to fear you because you've excelled in education and your career and {they} realize there's no limit to the impact you will have on this world. Not because you walk the streets, smoke your weed, and pose as the "thug" they want you to be. Let's show {them} that you are worth more. Don't just show {them} though. Believe it. Pull up your pants, put on a suit. Walk around like you have a point to prove. Because whether you like it or not, you do. You always have to stand out, be smarter, 10 times better, strive for so much more. Work 10 times harder. Once you feel like you've "made it", don't stop there. Mentor other black boys so they can see that they can be anything they want to be with hard work and prayer. So they can understand that education is important and there is so much more to this world that we live in. Show them how important it is the pick up a book and read and to always remain knowledgeable about the world around us.  Nothing will change unless we do. You have the ability to make a huge difference in this world and the community you live in. I see so much strength in you. So much promise.  Even in the midst of adversity, you continue to prevail. 

Again, Black Boy, I love you and more importantly, I value you and your life. Once you see the value within yourself, I'm  sure change will come. 

"We must be the change we wish to see in the world"-Mahatma Gandhi 

With Love, 

Bridge-A Young Black Woman. 

Your Side of the Bed

As I look to my left...and look to my right. I see no one. It's empty. I always lay on the right side of my queen sized bed, gazing out the window and wishing you were here. So I can lay on your chest as you stroke my hair. We would sit up and talk about our days and how crazy work has been. You would hold me closer then kiss me, gently on my lips. You'll whisper "I love you" in my ear, then kiss my neck...again, and again, and again. I'm breathing deeply because of the intense hormones flowing through my body, and anxious about what's going to happen next. I'm squirming from the moisture on my breast coming from your tongue making its way down to my......"Bridge, BRIDGE....wake up guh. You ok?" 

Whew. That was intense. And as good as it sounds I had to remember that I am still single as a fresh dollar bill. I'm laying in my bed at this moment wishing that someone was here. I am lonely and dealing with my loneliness SUCKS( for lack of better words). It has been two years since I have been in a relationship. 2 years since I have been on a date. 8 months since I have given away my precious jewels (which is ok because I've decided to hold out until marriage). And I struggle each and every day with my "singleness". Is there a problem with me? Like is there something wrong? Why on earth haven't I found the one or why hasn't he found me? I know what you're going to say...Wait on God, be patient, your King will come, Blah blah blah. Enough of the cliches. I've heard them all before. I just want someone I can call my own. 

The tune I just sung above is a constant tune I sing every day. Instead of celebrating my singleness I am always looking at it to be a bad thing. I sometimes feel like I'm being punished or something. Yep. I am being punished, that's why I am single. I mean I'm perfect so I must place the blame somewhere for me being alone. There has to be something going on. Right?...Right. The person I failed to fully be transparent with is myself. Lord knows I want a relationship. But am I truly ready? Are you truly ready? I'm going to give you 5 reasons why I feel like I may not be ready to be in a relationship at this point. 

5. I'm not content with where I am in life. 

I try to live by Phillipians 4:11-13, but it gets hard at times. I should be content through every situation I'm in (whether good or bad) but I haven't gotten to that point yet. And if I'm not content with myself, how could I be with someone else? 

4. Singing***I'm so sick of being lonely***

Lol yep that's why I'm not ready. I almost want a relationship just so I won't have to sit at home at night watching The Notebook and on GroupMe or Instagram 24/7. I absolutely loathe being alone. And I feel lonely 110% of the time. But it's not because I don't have someone there; It's because I haven't learned to enjoy and appreciate my own company. So that's something I'm working on. I have to be ok with it being just Bridge. 

3. I haven't fully given my life and my all over to God. 

I know it sounds bad, but it's true. When I think about being fully committed to God and his word, I can't say that I fit that description. I mean, I want to be, but my relationship with God is no where close to where I want it and more importantly NEED it to be. I'm taking strides daily to get to that point. But right now, I'm just not there. 

2. Ugh, not another proposal. *rolls eyes* 

When I say EVERYONE on my TL is in a relationship, having babies, getting engaged/married, I mean JESUS! It's like a freaking phenomenon and clearly I missed that bus a long time ago. Everytime I see a new notification about someone getting engaged I slick start feeling just a tad bit envious. Like damn, "When is my time going to come?" I've found myself just wanting to be apart of the "relationship fad" just so I can say I am. Not because it's what I really want or am ready for. So Nope again, I ain't ready. 

1. I just know I'll get hurt again. 

So I had to really do some soul searching to come to this conclusion. I'm not over the hurt that I endured from my last relationships. I've been cheated on, lied to, disrespected, and caused to think so low of myself. I went into a deep depression after my last relationship, I am so afraid that someone will build me up just to break me down and I can never feel that low, EVER AGAIN. As much as I want to believe that I've forgiven them of every hurt they've caused, I haven't. And until I do, I won't be able to fully committ myself to another man. I won't be able to give him my all. Since part of me is still broken, I can't dare depend on him to try to put back together the pieces. It's not fair. It's just not right. That's where I continuously rely on God. Only he can fully heal my STILLwounded heart. 

So as you can tell. As much as I WANT a relationship, I'm not 100% ready for one. No, I can't wait to lay in my bed, turn to my right and gaze into my husbands eyes instead of gazing out my bedroom window. I can't wait until his side of the bed is nice and warm because he's laying there right next to me. Loving me how I want and need to be loved. But before that happens, I NEED to fully have myself together. So what about you? Look in the mirror. Allow yourself to become completely transparent. Ask yourself if you feel like you are really ready to committ yourself to another being. And please Be honest. Pray about it and ask God to comfort you in your time of singleness. Know that it's not a bad thing and it's not a disease. Someone once told me that Marriage is not Varsity and Singleness is not Junior Varsity. One is not better than the other. One is not bad and the other good. Remember that. Also, NEVER think low of yourself or lose self confidence because you're not in a relationship. You are beautiful, whether you're single or not. Find what makes you happy, the things you enjoy and go out and do it! CELEBRATE YOUR SINGLENESS!!! Your prince/princess will come. My Prince will come.  And as always, as I minister to you, I minister to myself. 

With Love,

Bridge💗

Scarred But Not Broken

"How can I forget the hurt you've caused me, when I still have the scars to remind me of the pain?"

  

I wish they were bruises, because bruises fade. They heal, and you never have to see them again and eventually you forget about them and how they even came about. But scars....Scars are with you forever. They live inside or outside of you and often makes you dwell on the pain and serves as a constant reminder of what you endured, how you endured it and how much pain you felt at that very moment.  

For a very long time I felt I wasn't worth having anyone to love me unconditionally and treat me right. After he left me, I felt empty. I gave him all of me, and because I did that I had absolutely nothing left. I had a heart that wanted to love again, but was afraid of the same ol' cycle happening. I couldn't dare allow myself to be hurt so much again so I ran. I ran from anything good so that I wouldn't have the chance to come up on something bad. I made horrible choices. Slept with men just for the satisfaction of saying that on that specific night, I didn't have to sleep alone. Knowing that I had no real feelings for these guys, I allowed myself to be used for a meaningless 2 minute screw that ended up doing nothing more than making me feel like crap after it was all said and done. Not knowing that I was still, in a sense, "picking at my scar" and making it all 10 times worse. 

For every man I gave my body to I lost a piece of my soul. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't out there laying down with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, I just have a few instances that I'm surely not proud of and I don't mind sharing my shortcomings with yall. Ok...now that my disclaimer is out of the way I can get back to the story lol.......I was losing a piece of Bridge every time I layed down with a guy. My self worth was in question. I acted like the most confident girl, but deep down inside, I couldn't stand the person I had to face in the mirror each day. I was never good enough for myself but for some reason I got mad because I felt I wasn't good enough for a man that probably didn't care much about me anyways. I felt I was scarred and broken and waiting on someone else to pick up the pieces. Not knowing or really not believing that God had already equipped me with everything I needed to restore the negative feelings I had inside.

I wouldn't be keeping it real if I didn't tell yall that till this day I still struggle. Constantly asking myself questions like, "Why her and not me?", "Why does she get the relationship, while you just wanted sex from me". "Why did you let me put so much into "this" just to leave me in the end." Anyone will tell you that I am OBSESSED with love and anything that has to do with it. Love movies, love stories, love songs, I just LOVE LOVE. And the fact that I don't have someone to call my own, troubles me at times. 

The more I search for answers, the more distraught I become. Always wondering when I will be next. When it will be my turn. Not even fully focusing on the fact that I'm not fully "healed". Thankfully, I'm now beginning to realize that if I still hold on to that pain that I will never be 100% happy in any relationship that may come my way.  If I don't have SELF LOVE then I won't be able to fully accept anyone who offers their love to me. I realized that I have to change the way I look at this. So I charge myself and anyone else looking at their "scars" as a reminder of pain to start thinking of it as a reminder of how far you've come despite all that you have endured. If you guys have been following me you know my life hasn't been filled with cupcakes and roses all around these last 2 years. I've had a plethora of stormy days that in turn led me to my rainbows. I've come a long way and I desperately want to experience love again. And I'm sure you do too, but before WE do, WE have to be ready. 

 

I thought I'd share a snippet of some words of wisdom a friend shared with me today. 

After he challenged me to read the book of Ruth and I asked him a million and one questions lol this was his response....

"Ruth was willing to sacrifice and was even willing to pick up the leftover of grains without complaining". What are we willing to sacrifice or do while aligned in God's perfect will? Allow yourself to be in God's perfect will and watch him reward you."

After reading the book ok Ruth and seeking understanding from a mentor I came to this.....Ruth was loyal to Naomi, but more importantly she was faithful to God and in the end he sent Boaz to her. A nice fine man that was rich. So with all that being said, focus on you and your personal relationship with God. Know that you have scars, but you are not broken. Let them build you, and not break you. Encourage you and not bring you down. You keep all this in mind and God will send your Boaz to you. He may not be fine and Rich, but he will be the person that God specifically sculpted and created just for you. :) Your King will come. Just make sure you're in a position to recieve your blessing and not miss a beat. And baby just believe that as I minister to you, I minister to myself. 

With Love, 

Bridge💋

"Girlllll You Look Gooooood"

"Bridge, girl you look good, what the hell are you doing?" 

"I've been trying to lose weight for so long. How do you stay motivated?" 

"Girl I'm trying to get like you. Help a Sista out" 

Those statement above are all too familiar to me. I spend a lot of time a week reaching out to individuals to help them on their weight loss journey. I know it's hard! So I'm dedicating this blog to all of you. Below I have listed 10 things that I do to help me along this journey. They are in no specific order. All are extremely important to my success. 

10. A walk a day keeps the doctors away.  

Get up and walk!!! Try to dedicate 30 minutes of your day to strictly walking. I promise you will feel so much better. You can maintain a healthy weight, prevent or manage various conditions, including heart disease, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes, strengthen your bones and improve your balance and coordination. And did I mention that you will FEEL BETTER!!! Start slow. Losing weight doesn't need to be a fast process. Give your body time to adjust. 

9. Change your way of thinking. 

Getting healthy should be a lifestyle change. I stray away from using words like diet, because to me it implies that it's temporary. So I don't go on diets. I just change my lifestyle into something I can do for the rest of my life. 

8. Make it fun! Have a Blast! 

Do something that you enjoy!!! I love to go running so getting up and doing it is easy and fun for me. And guess what?...I lose a lot of weight doing it. Find what makes you happy and go for it! 

7. Get your friends involved. 

It's always fun when friends are involved. Have friendly competitions from time to time. Me and my girl friends got together and challenged each other to run/jog 10miles a week. It was hard but it was fun! So bring your friends along on this journey with you. 

          (As you can see I'm slacking lol) 

6. Cook! Meal Prep! Water! 

This is one of the most important steps that I take. Take the time out to cook and meal prep for an entire week. It keeps you from last minute stops at McDonalds or Burger King and you're able to scale out exactly how much you're eating. Limit your sweets and bread intake. More fruit and veggies. Remember that what you eat is a LARGE portion of your weight loss journey. Also,  Drink PLENTY of water each day. I keep water in my car at all times so I can just drink a bottle at any given moment. Even if it's hot. I was told 64oz is a good amount each day. So start there. 

5. I Cheat...

Enjoy a nice cheat day or just a cheat meal from time to time. It's ok to slip up every once in a while. Just don't make "slipping up" a habit. 

4. Oh how I love free apps!!! 

Anything from My Fitness Pal, Nike+, and Calorie Counter helps to monitor your progress and weight loss. And did I mention they are FREE! My favorite word. ☺️

3. Get some Zzzzzzs Baby!!! 

Rest is extremely important for your physical and mental health. This is an area that I struggle with, but I'm working hard at. At least 8 hours folks. Rest your beautiful body and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take over the world!  

2. Tell the World!!! 

Sharing my progress with the world keeps me on my toes. Keeps me from backtracking too much because I know that there is someone, either waiting on me to fail or wanting to go through this journey with me because they see my progress and know they can too do the same. While becoming healthier is definitely something I'm doing for myself, I'm also doing it for the ones who believed they couldn't.

1. Believe in You! 

I have to admit that I doubted myself a lot in the beginning. I had tried so many times before to lose weight and it just wasn't happening. I would start then stop. Then start. Then stop. But time was different. I had a plan in place and I believed 100% in myself and that I could and WOULD get healthier. It all started there. If I didn't believe in myself I wouldn't have made the I progress that I have made. So believe in yourself. You can do anything you set you mind to. As cliche as that sounds, it is 100% true. 

     (started at 213 and is currently 175) 

So what now? What's next? GET UP AND MOVE!!! YOU GOT THIS!!! YOU CAN AND WILL DO IT! I believe in you! Any question please comment below. I'm here to help! 

With Love, 

Bridge 💋

The Voice Inside My Head

Have you ever felt like you were at the end of your rope. You just couldn't take anymore. You didn't want to talk to anyone, be around anyone, and even form your brain to think about anyone. All you could think about was the extreme feelings of sadness you felt about yourself and your life. You experienced something that brought you down soooo low that you never thought you would be able to come out of it. Two years ago that was me. With the death of my mother and the ending of my long term relationship; those thoughts ran through my mind every day and night. 

Heart racing. Shortness of breath. Tears beginning to well up in my eyes. Body feeling numb...every 3 to 4 hours the cycle happens all over again. I lay there trying to control myself, counting back and forth from 1-50... "1..2..3..4..5.......50...49..48..47..46", praying that I will soon fall back asleep. Crying my eyes out sometimes because I can't.  When I finally wake up in the morning, the feelings I have are no better. I don't want to move. I don't want to get up. This little voice in my head keeps telling me, "It's not worth it. You're just. Not. Worth. It." 

The moment when I realized that I believed that "little voice in my head", is when I knew something was wrong with me. It wasn't until one horrible day that I was forced to do something about it. The devil saw fit to ease his way in my thoughts and it went downhill from there. As I walked down Alcoa Road one Friday evening, I begin to have thoughts that I've never had before. I was tired. Tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of feeling alone. I start really thinking about the most painless way to end this all. Again, I. Was. Tired. My life was no longer important to me and I began to speak so much negativity over myself while devising a plan in my head. In the middle of all of that, I recieved a phone call from one of my sorority sisters. After ignoring the phone call 3 times I finally answered. 

"Hello"

"Hey Bridge. What's going on? Are you ok? I was just calling to check on you." 

"Yes, I'm fine"

"Bridge, you don't sound fine. Are you ok?" 

*hangs up phone* 

I turned my phone off and cried my heart out for 15 minutes. Thoughts still pounding at my soul. Called her back and told her, "No. No, I'm not ok." I ended up telling her everything that happened. All of the thoughts that were running through my head and how I felt inside. She told me to go to the doctor, but I refused. I worked at a psychiatric hospital and no one was about to call me crazy. I wasn't having it. But after all of her begging and pleading I made an appointment and went to see the therapist and psychiatrist the next day. 

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder as well as panic disorder. Prescribed Celexa and Xanax. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want them to think I was "Crazy" or that I had a problem. But I learned that people suffer from these disorders every day and they don't recieve help because of the same reasons I didn't want to. Afraid of what others would think. Like I said before, I worked at a mental health hospital so I experienced it every day, but I refused to be one of "them". 

I was skeptical about even writing this blog post because I didn't want people to judge me. But there are SO many people suffering from mental illnesses and they are slowly dying on the inside each day.  So if this reaches ONE person then I know I've done my job. 

Last but not least, If you're reading this and are suffering from what you think may be depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc, or knows someone who you believe may be, PLEASE GET HELP. If you don't know where to go I will help you find the resources you need and hold your hand until you get the help you deserve. I admit that I still battle my anxiety, but I have fully overcome my depression. Through God, my family, and my doctor. It was a year long journey but I overcame it and so WILL you. Don't allow that "voice in your head" to rule over your life and make you feel less than important. Less than worth it. Less than deserving. You are a Child of God and you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Believe that with all your heart. I sure do. 

This post was made with love overflowing from my heart to yours. God loves you. And I do too. 

~Bridge~

Facing My Reality (2012...The Year I Lost Myself pt. 2)

Am I dreaming? Ok Bridge, let's go back to sleep and wake up and try this all over again. Ummmm, Somebody just pinch me please because this can't be happening.  Did my worst nightmare just become my reality? Is it really over? 

Honestly, I couldn't believe it. After 4 years, it was finally over. Done. No more me and him. I felt my life was breaking down into tiny pieces right before my eyes. And I just knew there was no way I could put it back together. I felt so alone. I needed him. I couldn't live without him. I mean, I didn't want to live without him. I wasn't ready for this. Not prepared for this at all. 

What would my life be without him? No more dates, no more late conversations, no more saying "I love you and I miss you" almost every day. No more kisses, and being held at night, etc. It was really over and I had absolutely no idea how I was going to move forward. 

In April, my pastor preached a sermon about "Healing After Divorce" where he spoke about, in detail, the 5 Stages of Grief. The 5 stages of grief, is a series of emotional stages experienced when a person is enduring keen mental suffering or distress over a loss. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although I hadn't come out of a divorce I strongly related to his message. 

The first stage is Denial. Whew. My how I was in denial. My mind honestly would not let me believe that it was over. I was numb. Extremely numb. "Oh, he'll be back. He's just mad or whatever. He'll get over it." I told myself this for a very long time. It was my way of "dealing with it easier". Even though I was heavily in denial, part of me knew the truth. I knew deeeep down in my heart that it was over. And once I realized that, I stomped my way into the second stage of grief, Anger. 

I was honestly mad at him and at the world. Wait, I don't think mad can describe the way I felt. I HATED him. Everything about him and the situation, I absolutely loathed. I called him, texted him, left crazy messages just so he knew how much I hated him and how upset and hurt I was. But, everything remained the same. We still weren't together. He still had broken up with me. I was still....single. 

"Ok babe, if you come back to me I promise to do whatever you want me to. I just want to make it work. I'll stop calling so much, I promise to stop my nagging, I'll do WHATEVER it takes. Just take me back please. PLEASE." I begged and pleaded with him and God often. "God, I promise if you bring him back into my life I will do right by him. And right by you. Seriously, God, like I won't ask you for anything else. Just do this one thing for me." Hmph. Once you finally accept the situation and get over your "Angry" phase, you begin Bargaining. I will do "this" if you do "this". Bargaining only led to more heart ache and it made it more difficult to get over what was happening.   

He wasn't having it. We couldn't and wouldn't be back with each other and I finally realized it. All of my emotions were brought into the present time and I was forced to face my situation. And when I did, Depression snuck up on me. I couldn't eat, nor sleep. I always wanted to be left alone. I had absolutely no desire to do anything. As my reality was getting more and more clearer, my depression was only getting worse. I blamed myself for everything. "If only I were a better girlfriend..." This stage was the hardest stage to come out of. And I honestly stayed here for a year. BUT GOD...

It was a long time coming, but I finally reached the stage of Acceptance. Now this by no means, meant that I was "ok" with the situation. I seriously just got to the point where I accepted my reality. Me and him were not together and were not going to be. And I was perfectly fine with that. After I stop beating myself up over it and honestly forgave myself, I began to forgive him. Which is one of the most important acts in the "acceptance stage".  Now I know it may seem like it was a smooth journey throughout these 5 stages, but it was honestly the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life. I often found myself going back and forth between stages. I would go from bargaining to denial again in no time. I was at certain stages longer than others. My journey was filled with tears, many many tears. But Sooo many lessons. By the Grace of God, through my praying family and friends I got to the point of Acceptance. I could have never made it to this stage without Him. He delivered me from the lowest point of my life and I am so thankful for that. God showed me my true beauty and my worth. It took me almost 2 years to reach this point. And some things I still struggle with but One thing is know is that I'm just fine. 

My message to anyone going through a breakup right now to pray and trust God to deliver you from the pain and heartache. Don't blame yourself. In order for it to be your fault, that would mean that you were in control of your life and the situation in the beginning and we all know that's not true. God will remove people from your life and you may not ever understand why. You have to trust his will and know he wants what's best for you. Learn as many lessons as you can about yourself and what you want in life. Take this time out to embrace your singleness. Love yourself, love others, and trust God. He will always hold your hand throughout your storm. And what a beautiful sight to see when the rainbow finally comes. ☺️ 

....as I minister to you, I minister to myself. 

With Love, 

Bridge💋

"Perfectly Flawed"

"If they hadn't told me I was ugly I would have never searched for my beauty. And If they hadn't tried to break me down I wouldn't know I was unbreakable"-Gabourey Sidibe (Precious) 

It took me a very long time to realize my true beauty. I can remember being the center of jokes regarding my dark skin and large thighs when I was younger and it stuck with me for a very long time. I used to spend hours criticizing myself. "My butt is too big, my hips are too wide, I hate my nose, my hair is too nappy, my skin is too dark, and the list goes on. I didn't look like the girls from the magazines or a model on TV and I hated that. But one day I decided that my flaws are what makes me who I am. Despite what Queen Bey says, no one is FLAWLESS and I wouldn't be Bridge without my wide hips and pointy nose. My dark skin and my nappy hair. My imperfections are what makes me beautiful. Therefore I'm thankfully PERFECTLY FLAWED. So I asked a few other ladies what "Perfectly Flawed" meant to them. Below are their responses. 

"Well no one is perfect. However, we are perfectly unique... We all have flaws that make us who we are.... It's like the saying.. "Nobody's perfect.. But you're perfect for me.." We wouldn't be half the women, half the people we are if our flaws didn't exist.. So to me, perfectly flawed means that though I'm not textbook perfect, God makes no mistakes... So everything I am...& everything I'm not.. Was all divinely orchestrated by the one in whose Image I was created."-Brittany

"Being perfectly flawed shows that you embrace your short comings and use them for the better"-Pre

"Being perfectly flawed means that you know that you have flaws, you know that you have things to work on, but at the same time you have self love and appreciate who you are and you're willing to accept that you're not always going to be flawless. You're not always going to be accepted the way you want to be accepted. You're willing to work on it and you're perfectly fine with accepting who you are."- Delilah 

"Means fully acceptant of myself despite what others define as perfect."-Nae

"Perfectly Flawed to me means that no one is perfect and we all have characteristics about ourselves that we would want to change. Instead of changing it we just accept it and make it something positive in our lives rather than something negative and having it define who we are."-Ashley 

"It sounds like someone who has accepted that they can't be perfect and they have accepted themselves as they are. Whether thats a big nose, big forehead, and bad attitude."-LaLa 

"We all have some type of flaw about us to be honest....we are never flawless... When we recognize that we are perfectly flawed.... That's what it means to me."-Chels 

"I believe it means that no one is perfect...And to someone out there you are perfect for them with all your imperfections..."-Michelle 

"Perfectly flawed to me means being content and secure with every idiosyncrasy and every imperfect thing about ones self. It means being confident despite your self perceived flaws and knowing that we were all created and designed perfectly by God with a specific purpose in mind."-AJ

"To me perfectly flawed is the understanding that you know you have things you could fix or improve on about yourself. Yet you are ok with the way you are or committed to improving on the flaws it's always something we could work on within ourselves. But embracing your flaws beauty wise already makes you 10times more beautiful."-Vinny

"Perfectly flawed is being completely content with your imperfections! Your imperfections makes you the person you are today."-Jasmine 

"Perfectly flawed is like a saying... a saying meaning "I accept me for who I am, I love my self the way God has put me together" flaws and all I am perfect who I am cause thats the way God made me... its something that every women should feel because of the heavy affect that society and social media has on us, we feel obligated to look like the ideal woman that we see online and on TV."-Kav

"It means that your flaws, mistakes, good and the bad make you who you are. perfectly flawed is to admit that you are human but you are a constant work in progress..."-JaJa 

So as you can tell, although the answers were all different they definitely shared the same concept. No matter what flaws you may feel you have, know that you are BEAUTIFUL!!! FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made in His(Jesus) image. Don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. True beauty starts within. Always remember that and walk with your head held high. 

With Love, 

Bridge💋

****Comment and tell me what Perfectly Flawed" means to you.****

2012...The Year I Lost Myself

.....I held her right hand as my grandfather held her left. As family stood over her with broken hearts and fallen tears, my grandfather whispered to her, "It's ok Baby. You can rest now". A few more seconds passed and a few more breaths were taken and finally the moment had come. 5:37pm on September 23, 2012, God gained a new angel and from that moment on I knew my world would never be the same. 

   Sandra Blair-7/29/54-9/23/2012

It was a Sunday and I had to be back at work on the following Tuesday. There wasn't a single point on the train ride where I didn't shed a tear. I replayed the moment I saw her take her last breath in my head over and over again and my heart ached so bad. Once I made it back to Arkansas and got to my bed I went straight to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I didn't shed any tears. Matter of fact I didn't cry for almost a month except for the day of the funeral. 

I was extremely numb. My boyfriend at the time experienced the bulk of my pain. I grew to be clingy, angry, insensitive, needy, etc. I was a mess. Part of me still couldn't believe she was gone. Until one day....We were on the phone and I fussed at him about something minor and alllll the emotions I had built up inside came pouring out. I threw my phone and became absolutely hysterical in my tiny apartment. I yelled and screamed, punched walls, threw anything that I could find and finally when I was able to calm myself down (after about 10 mins) I fell to my knees, caught my breath, and I began to pray and cry. And cry and pray. 

I can't honestly say how long I stayed down there talking to God and asking him "Why me?" But as I began to talk to him more, I started to feel a sense of peace. I began to think about the good times with my Angel. Began to thank The Lord for bringing her "home" so that she wouldn't have to suffer anymore. For as long as I could remember she was always sick and always hurting and I hated that she would always be in so much pain. But The Lord needed her back with him. And he didn't want her suffering anymore and neither did I. Don't get me wrong, my heart still ached, but my mind was at peace. I found joy in the memories and I was finally able to get up from my knees, stand tall and trust that The Lord would see me through.

 And he did, I was so much happier. I went back to church, I was performing better at work, My relationship with my boyfriend was perfect, and even though I cried every night I felt I had overcome so much and from that moment on I felt so happy and wonderful about my life.....until I got a call from boyfriend 2 months after her passing, wanting to end our relationship of four years. My world that I thought I just fully picked up came crashing down. Once. Again....

...The Moment of Truth

It was about 4:00am in January of 2013. My mind was awake, but my eyes were closed. For hours, I layed in bed with my face flustered with tears running down both cheeks. My heart was racing, breaths were getting harder and harder to take from the intense anxiety I was feeling at that very moment. How did I get to this sad place? Why was this happening to me? Where the hell do I go from here? My heart was broken, my mind was broken, Bridge. She was broken. 

I didn't move a single inch that morning or afternoon. I layed around feeling sorry for myself (seemed to be my daily routine). Lights were off, TV was off, calls and texts were ignored. I cried, and cried, and cried some more until I finally drifted off to sleep.

When I decided to get out of bed, I went to the mirror and looked at myself. But instead of seeing a beautiful young lady like I saw once before, I saw a horrible and pathetic young girl. I absolutely HATED the image that was staring back at me. She was sad, angry, torn, broken down, 30lbs heavier and majorly depressed. She constantly blamed God for putting her through so much. Her conversations would most times go like this: 

..... "Lord, you knew I couldn't handle life without my mother, why would you take her from me? Then 2 months later you took my boyfriend from me. How could you make me endure so much pain all at once?".....

While shamefully staring at this image of myself in the mirror, I had the strangest thing happen to me. Something suddenly clicked in my head from a qoute I read a few days before about "being in control of your own happiness". I went back to my previous questions and began to answer them in my head. The most important one was "Where the hell do I go from here?" Spiritually, Physically, and Mentally.  At that very moment I decided to "Cross the Bridge to a Happier Life".