"A Letter to My Past"

Dear Past, 

Oh, I knew we would end up back here. At this very moment. Me, reminiscing about everything that has happened. You, reminding me of it all. There was a time where I used to look back at you with disgust. I'd say mean things about how horrible you were and how I hated what you put me through. There were times I felt so weak to the point where a simple feather could brush my face and knock my entire body down and the weight of the pain I was feeling would keep my plastered to the ground. Even though I think about you and weep from time to time, you have shaped me into the person I am today. So I want to thank you. I want to give you 5 reasons why I appreciate you, through the midst of it all. 

5. You've shown me how to "let go". 

From my many failed relationships and broken hearts, you've shown me the art of "letting go". You've disallowed me to attempt to keep someone that doesn't want to be kept. To love someone deeply that doesn't want to be loved. And to take care of someone that doesn't want to be taken care of. I'm not done learning this "art" but, because of you, I've come a mighty long way. Thank you. 

4.  You've shown me my true beauty. 

I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a short, dark skinned, small lipped, big hips, big ass, unattractive girl. And the only way I would think I was pretty was if some knuckled head boy began to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Then one day I realized that all my imperfections makes me who I am. I now love every curve on my body, every roll, every stretch mark...all that. I'm in love with the person I am. And I believe I'm beautiful. Thank you. 

3. You've taught me how to forgive. 

It took me 2 years to forgive my ex boyfriend for leaving me two months after my mother passed. I mean I hated him. Nothing anyone would say, could make me not want to exert excruciating pain all over his body. But, who was I hurting? He sure in hell had moved on and could care less about my said hatred towards him. Me on the other hand, I was filled with hate that was really just underlined with hurt. So in the end, I was causing more damage to myself. But when I forgave him. Like REALLY forgave him, I felt free. Like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulder. I was able to breathe again. Thank you. 

2. You've shown me my true strength. 

A swear a person never knows how strong they are until being strong is the only option. I can talk about this subject all day. I lost my mother and boyfriend in 2012. In 2014 alone my car got repossessed 3 times and I was close to being evicted from my apartment. I struggled with depression and anxiety and I was close to throwing my hands up and saying forget all of this. I'd hit rock bottom and I felt myself sinking further down. BUT GOD. He showed me so much favor at those times. I had no choice but to pull myself up from the ground and rebuild my strength. It took a lot of work. But it was all worth it. For that, I say "Thank You". 

1. You've taught me how to LIVE and not just EXIST. 

I never walked with a purpose. I was merely on this earth just to past time until it was time for me to leave. I wasn't LIVING. But now...I'm not afraid to take chances. I'm not afraid to do things I've never done before or that are just out of the ordinary. I don't let my fears hold me back from potential greatness. I mean I did just fly on an airplane for the first time last month!!! (Talk about growth lol). I want to travel, see the world, meet new friends, fall in love, have a family, all that good stuff. But I can't if I hold myself back. You've taught me how to LIVE and how to do it to the fullest. Thank you! 

See most times we don't appreciate what our past has done for us. Without it, without you...I wouldn't be the person I am today. Now don't get me wrong, these scars I have are not pretty at all. They still kinda trouble me at times because it's a constant reminder of pain. But it's also a constant reminder of progress. I'm nowhere near where I was before. And it's because of you. So again I thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I'm sure you'll be receiving another letter from me soon, because I know you're not done with me. With tearing me down, to build me up. With your life lessons and all that good stuff. But until then, I'll wait, I'll learn, and I'll keep in mind all that you've taught me. Until next time. 

With love, 

B