Your Side of the Bed

As I look to my left...and look to my right. I see no one. It's empty. I always lay on the right side of my queen sized bed, gazing out the window and wishing you were here. So I can lay on your chest as you stroke my hair. We would sit up and talk about our days and how crazy work has been. You would hold me closer then kiss me, gently on my lips. You'll whisper "I love you" in my ear, then kiss my neck...again, and again, and again. I'm breathing deeply because of the intense hormones flowing through my body, and anxious about what's going to happen next. I'm squirming from the moisture on my breast coming from your tongue making its way down to my......"Bridge, BRIDGE....wake up guh. You ok?" 

Whew. That was intense. And as good as it sounds I had to remember that I am still single as a fresh dollar bill. I'm laying in my bed at this moment wishing that someone was here. I am lonely and dealing with my loneliness SUCKS( for lack of better words). It has been two years since I have been in a relationship. 2 years since I have been on a date. 8 months since I have given away my precious jewels (which is ok because I've decided to hold out until marriage). And I struggle each and every day with my "singleness". Is there a problem with me? Like is there something wrong? Why on earth haven't I found the one or why hasn't he found me? I know what you're going to say...Wait on God, be patient, your King will come, Blah blah blah. Enough of the cliches. I've heard them all before. I just want someone I can call my own. 

The tune I just sung above is a constant tune I sing every day. Instead of celebrating my singleness I am always looking at it to be a bad thing. I sometimes feel like I'm being punished or something. Yep. I am being punished, that's why I am single. I mean I'm perfect so I must place the blame somewhere for me being alone. There has to be something going on. Right?...Right. The person I failed to fully be transparent with is myself. Lord knows I want a relationship. But am I truly ready? Are you truly ready? I'm going to give you 5 reasons why I feel like I may not be ready to be in a relationship at this point. 

5. I'm not content with where I am in life. 

I try to live by Phillipians 4:11-13, but it gets hard at times. I should be content through every situation I'm in (whether good or bad) but I haven't gotten to that point yet. And if I'm not content with myself, how could I be with someone else? 

4. Singing***I'm so sick of being lonely***

Lol yep that's why I'm not ready. I almost want a relationship just so I won't have to sit at home at night watching The Notebook and on GroupMe or Instagram 24/7. I absolutely loathe being alone. And I feel lonely 110% of the time. But it's not because I don't have someone there; It's because I haven't learned to enjoy and appreciate my own company. So that's something I'm working on. I have to be ok with it being just Bridge. 

3. I haven't fully given my life and my all over to God. 

I know it sounds bad, but it's true. When I think about being fully committed to God and his word, I can't say that I fit that description. I mean, I want to be, but my relationship with God is no where close to where I want it and more importantly NEED it to be. I'm taking strides daily to get to that point. But right now, I'm just not there. 

2. Ugh, not another proposal. *rolls eyes* 

When I say EVERYONE on my TL is in a relationship, having babies, getting engaged/married, I mean JESUS! It's like a freaking phenomenon and clearly I missed that bus a long time ago. Everytime I see a new notification about someone getting engaged I slick start feeling just a tad bit envious. Like damn, "When is my time going to come?" I've found myself just wanting to be apart of the "relationship fad" just so I can say I am. Not because it's what I really want or am ready for. So Nope again, I ain't ready. 

1. I just know I'll get hurt again. 

So I had to really do some soul searching to come to this conclusion. I'm not over the hurt that I endured from my last relationships. I've been cheated on, lied to, disrespected, and caused to think so low of myself. I went into a deep depression after my last relationship, I am so afraid that someone will build me up just to break me down and I can never feel that low, EVER AGAIN. As much as I want to believe that I've forgiven them of every hurt they've caused, I haven't. And until I do, I won't be able to fully committ myself to another man. I won't be able to give him my all. Since part of me is still broken, I can't dare depend on him to try to put back together the pieces. It's not fair. It's just not right. That's where I continuously rely on God. Only he can fully heal my STILLwounded heart. 

So as you can tell. As much as I WANT a relationship, I'm not 100% ready for one. No, I can't wait to lay in my bed, turn to my right and gaze into my husbands eyes instead of gazing out my bedroom window. I can't wait until his side of the bed is nice and warm because he's laying there right next to me. Loving me how I want and need to be loved. But before that happens, I NEED to fully have myself together. So what about you? Look in the mirror. Allow yourself to become completely transparent. Ask yourself if you feel like you are really ready to committ yourself to another being. And please Be honest. Pray about it and ask God to comfort you in your time of singleness. Know that it's not a bad thing and it's not a disease. Someone once told me that Marriage is not Varsity and Singleness is not Junior Varsity. One is not better than the other. One is not bad and the other good. Remember that. Also, NEVER think low of yourself or lose self confidence because you're not in a relationship. You are beautiful, whether you're single or not. Find what makes you happy, the things you enjoy and go out and do it! CELEBRATE YOUR SINGLENESS!!! Your prince/princess will come. My Prince will come.  And as always, as I minister to you, I minister to myself. 

With Love,

Bridge💗